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U.S. TRANSPORTATION SECURITY ADMINISTRATION IN THE NEWS

Published on April 24, 2012, by in Uncategorized.

Not all is bad at the TSA. Despite discovering 743 transvestites, 19,249 enlarged prostates, 209,351 breast implants (how can that be an odd number?), 27,298 colon problems, 3 natural blonds — yet no terrorists — it is assuring to know at least some traveling celebs are finding good things to say about their experience at the hands, literally, of the TSA. But not others.

 

 “I got a security ‘patdown’ by a woman at the airport that left no doubt about her sexual preferences. It’s great to see people so publicly confident in their sexuality. I later found her number in my panties.”
– Supermodel Bar Refaeli

 

 

“I was making the best out of an uncomfortable situation by making faces and acting like I was having a great time. But I was not. Perhaps if they used some kind of lubricant, I would have had at least a ‘good’ time. And they told me that ‘if I don’t wipe that grin off my face,’ next time they’ll ‘take me aside,’ whatever that means.”
-Actress Jennifer Hudson

 

 

DHS Chief Janet Napolitano, somewhat sensitive to recent criticism of TSA digital manipulation (‘we live in a digital age, get over it’), is shown field-testing a new groin and cavity search device. Asked what it was called, she said, ‘we call it a Take-aside.’

 

-Napolitano, shown with the ‘Take-aside

 

 

“This whole TSA group is bullshit! These are the kind of people  that would  %$@# a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.  Though that ‘Take-aside’ has possiblities”

 

 

 

‘I begged that same woman who searched Bar Refaeli to search me. But all of a sudden she put on a hazmat suit and big rubber gloves and a respirator. So I refused to get on the plane, and flew in the wheel-well instead.’
 -Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi

 

 

 
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