“I’ve always been fat. My mother told me my baby pictures used to fall off the wall. And those pictures were expensive — they had to be taken by satellite.
“Yes, I eat a lot. When I go to restaurants, they give me the menu, and I just say, ‘Yes.’ I’ve gotten so fat, that even my clothes have stretch marks. My official portrait takes up four frames. But if you call me fat, I’ll get angry – and it’ll take you two trains and a bus just to get back to my good side.
“I am so fat, that I can lie down and stand up and my height doesn’t change. I show up on radar. When I go to the movies, I literally sit next to everyone. I am so fat, that I’m on both sides of my family.
“And it’s not always easy being this fat. I’m like the Bermuda triangle: when anyone walks around me, they get lost. The horse on my Polo shirt is real. The last time I saw 90210 was on a scale. And even then, the scale said, ‘to be continued.’ When my cell phone rings, people think I’m backing up. I can only take an elevator if it’s going down. When I go to the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow me back into the ocean. Even then, I’ll be the only one on the beach who got a tan.
“I remember one time someone showed me a picture of my feet, and I couldn’t identify them. When I wake up in the morning, I have to get up in sections. When I got baptized, it had to be at Sea World. The one time in my life that I wore high heels, I struck oil — and that was in downtown Chicago.
“Maybe I should become a fashion plate — just like Michelle Obama — except I’d eat everything on it. Hey, speaking of fat, whatever happened to Michelle Obama?”