Jimmy Kimmel cares so much about everyone, that he tip-toes past medicine cabinets so he doesn’t wake up any sleeping pills.
How do you keep Jimmy Kimmel busy between tapings? Give him a piece of paper that says “flip” on both sides.
Why does Jimmy Kimmel have to always be reminded to get out of the shower? Because his shampoo bottle says “lather, rinse, repeat.” Kimmel’s handlers also have to be careful about leaving him with orange juice containers: they say “concentrate,” and he winds up staring at them for hours.
Why did the Jimmy Kimmel get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months? Because the box said it was for “2 to 4 years.”
Jimmy Kimmel’s secret dream is to be Vanna White. No, it’s not an Obama transvestite fantasy: Kimmel wants to actually learn the alphabet. Speaking of which, Kimmel’s other secret fantasy has actually come true: he finally got a boob job – the only job he’s truly qualified for.
How do you know if Jimmy Kimmel’s been using his computer? The screen is full of White Out.
What did Jimmy Kimmel’s wife say when she found out she was pregnant? “I wonder if it’s mine.”
When did Jimmy Kimmel almost drown? When he spotted a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Jimmy Kimmel and his wife walked into a building. Neither of them saw it coming.
How do you confuse Jimmy Kimmel? Put him in a circle and tell him to sit in the corner.
Why did Jimmy Kimmel bring a ladder to his first Hollywood party? Whoever invited him told him all the drinks were on the house.
How do you force Jimmy Kimmel to repeat stupid ideas? You don’t have to. He was born that way.
Why did Jimmy Kimmel’s wife put lipstick on her forehead? She was desperately trying to make up her mind.
Why can’t Jimmy Kimmel ever successfully dial 911? He can’t find the eleven.
Why does Jimmy Kimmel always hold his ears? Because he’s desperately trying to hold in an original thought.