A man suing after a major medical mistake left him disfigured gave testimony Thursday that revealed the intimate details of his misery. The unidentified plaintiff said he wanted a penile implant to improve his sex life in. “I had problems having intimate relations. As time went by, that problem got worse.”
The man’s attorney argues that an anesthesiologist overlooked his client’s pre-existing medical conditions, which resulted in him having no more external male genitalia. According to the lawyer, the man should have never been allowed to undergo elective penile implant surgery to treat erectile dysfunction, that ultimately, resulted in his being neutered.
As a result of the operation, a gangrene infection spread through his penis after the surgery. The plaintiff detailed the traumatic experience: “A flesh-eating bacteria ate my penis an inch every day. In three days it was gone. Just like that.”
As a result, he has to spend the rest of his life without a functioning penis or testicles. He has to sit down to urinate, though he does admit he gets a lot more reading done. “But I’ll never have any intimate relationships with anyone again. Who would have sex with a man with flesh-eating penis disease, except on MTV?”
The man, who is identified only through a series of evidentiary photographs, complains, “At first it caused me to get as fat as a house. It was disgusting. If I thought I had problems before, they paled to my starting to resemble Jabba the Hutt.”
-The plaintiff, shown in court documents at his most obese.
“Eventually, I shed a hundred pounds and started looking human again. But not by much. I looked bad and I smelled worse. I was bitter, and I acted like a goddam idiot.”
-The plaintiff, shown in court documents, after losing a marginal amount of weight
“I finally lost hundreds of pounds, but look at me: no penis and no testicles. So what am I? If this isn’t bad enough, people keep telling me I look like Rachel Maddow, from MSNBC. Well, I guess it could be worse — I could look like Al Sharpton or Ed Schultz. Someone told me I should write a book about the whole thing. I came up with a title, at least: ‘Drift: The Unmooring of an American Penis.'”
-Finally, weight is below 200 pounds. “I might write a book.”
“HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAA!!… He does look like Rachel Maddow! Man, that is funny… I have got to invite this no-penis guy over to my house for entertainment at my next Obama party!… Finally — whew! — I’ll meet a guy with a smaller you-know-what.”
-Actor George Clowny
“I resent dat ‘Al Sharpton’ crack.”
-Race baiter, Jew hater, homophobe, MSNBC television host and Obama-intimate Al Sharpton
“And I resent that ‘Ed Schutlz’ crack! Don’t you know who I am?? Hey, what the hell’s going on here? Where are we, anyway?”
-Unhinged MSNBC host and Obama-intimate, Ed “Crazy Eddie — His Ideas Are Insane!” Schultz
“You’re in TheFineReport, Ed! Quick, get out while you can, or you’ll be stuck here forever, like me!”
-Crazy Nancy Pelosi, former Speaker of the House until she was booted from office in 2010.
“We’re where? …Hic!…
-US Secretary of Inebriation, Hillary Clinton
“And I’m getting a bit pissed at this myself! I do not have 2 inch penis! I won’t lie and say it’s 3 inches, but it is not 2 inches for sure! I also spoke to my attorney about this website, but he told me that because that I’ve inserted myself into the national political debate, any asshole running a website can do the whole ‘Falwell’* thing and claim I had sex with my mother – or have a 2 inch penis. So if I sue them, all I’ll do is make them famous. So instead, let me be perfectly clear: I did not have sex with that woman. And stop calling me George Clowny!”
-Actor George Clowny, overcompensating for something?
“Hey, at least it wasn’t a dog‘s penis we ate!”
“I know how that plaintiff feels. While flesh-eating bacteria didn’t eat my penis, it ate two other really important things.”
-GOP House Speaker John Boehner
“What’s this guy complaining about? He never used those two things anyway!”
*Our lawyer finally gets some air-time (and we get an invoice):
“In the seminal case Hustler Magazine v. Falwell, the US Supreme court held that the First Amendment’s freedom of speech protection extends to the making of patently offensive statements about public figures, resulting perhaps in their suffering emotional distress. You could state George Clowny had sex with his mother and not incur liability, unless the offending publication contained a false statement of fact which was made with “actual malice.” We would define actual malice here, but you guys are too cheap to pay us for it. Furthermore, the Court added that the interest of protecting free speech under the First Amendment surpassed the state’s interest in protecting public figures from patently offensive speech, so long as such speech could not reasonably be construed to state actual facts about its subject. To wit, no reasonable person reading this website would construe the parody herein to be an assertion of the truth that that George Clowny (Is it ‘Clowny? I aways thought it was ‘Clooney”) had sex with his mother, or he has a 2 inch penis. (Did he? Does he?) It is because of this very discussion that I maintain a subscription to Hustler Magazine, among many other pornographic magazines: so that my practice continues to be on the cutting-edge of Constitutional law issues. (And they’re a hundred percent tax deductible, too.) If you know of a pornographic magazine that I should be reading — for Constitutional law purposes, of course — please send me the information c/o TheFineReport.com.
The flesh-eating penis parody is based on a true story:
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