We received an email from someone in the town of Mendoza, Argentina. It was labeled , “Emergency!”
It was a question:
“Hey man, I’m drunk in Mendoza, Argentina, and about to get lucky — I need a condom! Where I can get one quick? What do I do if I can’t get one?”
Before we address the question, it is important to first know this: the resources of The Fine Report spread very far, and very, very wide. Underestimate them at your peril.
That said, the message, for whatever reason, piqued our interest. So we contacted the one man we knew in the world who could not only make more sense of it, but fill in the entire picture behind it. His name is Jack, and his handle is “Have Gun, Did Travel” (his name must remain confidential, to protect the guilty). Yes, Jack was a bit of an outlaw in his early days, with adventures throughout the far corners of the Earth. He later gave up his nomadic life to settle into a career as a medical professional and an investor. Today, Jack is a very comfortable semi-retired investor, married to a hot babe, and is a generous patron of the arts. His life experiences make Keith Richards’ look like Justin Beibers’. And, we assure you, he makes The Worlds Most Interesting Man from the Dos Equis beer commercial look like a nerd. He states he no longer needs to travel outside America to experience the Third World.
This is Jack, in earlier days, his face intentionally obscured. (Or he’s had a welder’s mask built into his cowboy hat. We’re not sure which. We were too intimidated to ask):
Jack is so hot that he was the first person Facebook reached-out to when they officially announced their recent Organ Donation Program. (Reason shown below):
-And nor is Jack is wearing a fake nose in this picture (on his face) — he says it’s just a different graphic used to protect his identity. We now know he did not have a welder’s mask built into his cowboy hat.
Eager to help a guy in trouble, Jack agreed to not merely analyze the question, but to provide a thoughtful answer as well. Take it away, Jack:
Yes, I believe you are a traveler. And from your location in Mendoza, Argentina (where wine is produced) you’re probably drunk enough to want to pop the local hooker. It might even be the same hooker I once popped. (Is her name Anita by any chance? Anita Dunn?) Traveler, you in a good position (hopefully not a sexual position, at least not yet). Argentina, while decidedly Catholic, is also heavily influenced by the passions of Italy, where most Argentinians can trace their their family history to. People in Argentina are notorious for eating dinner late and having a lot of wine with dinner, especially in that Mendoza area. If you had planned ahead, you could have just stopped into the local pharmacy and bought condoms. But being you’re in a situation where you have a couple balls in the air (literally) you’re probably desperate, drunk, but still sane enough to have a sense of self-preservation. (My kind of guy!) What I suggest you do is go into this babe’s kitchen (I’m assuming it’s a babe; if not, same advice applies) and grab a Zip-Lock baggie. Think I’m crazy, do ya? Not only have I used few of these in questionable sexual situations (I went through a whole box once during an orgy), but I found you can also get your balls into them, too — those puppies need to be protected from STDs as well. But see if she has thinner sandwich-type bags, because I found that using a freezer-type bag feels like you’re wearing an aluminum cigar tube on your you-know-what. No use taking any unnecessary chances, my friend – at least not with something as trite as this. In the morning you can rinse the bag out and use it to keep your lunch fresh. (Remember Traveler: you are in the Third World.) Hey man, this was fun. It brought back a lot of fond memories that marriage, my conscience and a variety of international laws made me think I had better forget about. So if you guys — and gals — have any questions about sex, dope or money, I think I’d be willing to answer another one. And remember: I no longer travel. But I still have the gun.
Have Gun, Did Travel
Jack can be reached through the Editor, at thefinereport.com
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