Facebook Twitter Gplus E-mail RSS

ABC “News:” Al Qaeda’s latest designs involve bombs surgically implanted in terrorists

Published on May 9, 2012,



So if you thought the TSA’s Freddie The Fist was bad —


The Fist, checking a suspicous package.



— wait till you get groped at the airport by these guys:


– If you reserved a window seat, you’re going to get one — literally.




Canada’s New Twenty Dollar Bill Under Fire For being “pornographic”

Published on May 9, 2012,






Please feel free to dispose of any of it you might have in the receptacle provided at the top right-side of this screen.



OVERHEARD: Barack Obama on the phone with British Prime Minister David Cameron

Published on May 9, 2012,


Obama: “This is driving me crazy. Just so I’m clear: you’re saying ‘Great Britain’ and the ‘United Kingdom’ are the same place?”

Cameron: “Seriously — who the devil is this?”







“Don’t worry. I get out in a few months, and I’m comin’ to save ya.”

– Incarcerated criminal Keith Judd, who nearly defeated Barack Obama yesterday in a state primary election.




How unpopular is Barack ‘Who’s Sane?’ Obama? THIS unpopular:

Published on May 9, 2012,

Meet the real ‘refreshing new image in American politics’


“I thought that was me. …hic… Damn, lost again.” 




A CONVICT gets 40% of vote in West Virginia primary vote; Madman: 60%



 -Seriously, what’s not to love about this guy? He hasn’t even been convicted of anything. Yet.




The ‘refreshing new image in politics’: a guy in prison for 17 years is almost as popular as the current president of the United States.

“I may be a crook, but I never ate my dog.”  Inmate Keith Judd, 53, currently incarcerated for committing extortion.




Remember, he who laughs last, laughs best…

-Golden Retriever, with excellent teeth.



“Yes, but the president will still get the criminal vote in the general election, because criminals have long been part of the Obama base. And they can’t say this president hasn’t delivered for them.”

-White House Press Secretary, ‘Baghdad Jay’ Carney

(Image courtesy of Peoplescube.com)


Mugshots of the loyal base:




Hillary ‘Rodham’ Clinton, the ‘refereshing new image in politics’ – a pictorial history of her early life

Published on May 8, 2012,


Now that Hillary Rodham Clinton is the Washington Post’s ‘refreshing new image in politics’ (see previous post, below), we take a look back at her early days, before she somehow became the ‘Smartest Woman in America’ (as she has long  touted herself to be, with an intellect rivaled only by our 4th Greatest President, the dog-eating Barack Hussein Obama):




-Hillary Rodham, circa high school.




-Hillary Rodham, circa college.




-Hillary Rodham, circa law school.




-Husband Bill Clinton, circa college.




-The Rodham family, typical Sunday.






U.S. Secretary of Inebriation Hillary Rodham Clinton, boozing it up at a controversial party, while abroad in Columbia.



To be continued…

RINO Richard Lugar Gets the Hook

Published on May 8, 2012,

RINO Senator Richard Luger got the hook today from voters. Lugar, a quintessential ‘Republican in name only,’ has voted consistently against his party for decades.


Hey Lugar: don’t let the door hit you in the ass.




“You know, considering what that crazy Elizabeth Warren said about someone’s high cheek bones and being an Indian, I think with my slanty eyes, I could be part Chinaman.  I had a pretty good run in America — maybe I should go to Asia and try my hand  betraying supporters over there. You know, come to think of it, I could become the world’s first ChINO.”

-Rino Richard Lugar. (Footprint in rear-end not shown.)



Latest media spin: “Hillary Clinton, barefaced and bespectacled, is a refreshing image in politics”

Published on May 8, 2012,


Maybe there are enough people ignorant enough to buy this:


The Washington Post gushes:


“But we aren’t accustomed to seeing female politicians and politicos without camera-ready makeup and, God forbid, showing wrinkles. In fact, how many pictures in glossy magazines have probably been airbrushed to make Hillary picture-perfect?


“While I’m a makeup addict, it’s refreshing to see Hillary fresh-faced. She looked like a schoolgirl in the picture – the Hillary from her granola college days at Wellesley. It was the look that won her few fans back in Arkansas in her days as the state’s first lady. After all, Southern women love their makeup, and Hillary wore little.


“As Hillary prepares to exit the high-wire of politics, are we finally seeing the real woman? It seems so.”



What, they never saw these ‘refreshing’ images?


-Yes, Hillary Clinton, the “refreshing new image in politics.”




Cher Doesn’t Want to Breath Same Air as Romney

Published on May 8, 2012,

Cher (real name, Rhoda Horowitz):


‘Doesn’t want to breathe the same air as Romney and his ‘racist homophobic women hating tea-bagger masters’



Rhoda, you won’t find anyone here forcing you to breathe.


-The face — and hair — of crazy.  If only wigs were brains…


Though we do have some other air we’d like you to breathe:


Dinosaur Farts May Have Warmed Ancient Earth





Fellow crazy hair person. Only this one had talent:

-Famed ‘Wall of Sound’ music producer, Phil Spector, shown wearing a Cher wig during his trial for murder. (He was convicted, and now resides in a California prison, where he is working on his new sound, the ‘Sound of Walls.’)




NOT FUNNY: Now a witness to Breitbart’s death vanishes

Published on May 8, 2012,

Interesting. Andrew Brietbart oddly gets invited to a dinner at Obama-intimate William Ayers’ home, then drops dead.


Then, on the day the L.A. Coroner releases the results of Brietbart’s autopsy, a photographic technician at the Coronor’s office suddenly dies  of suspicious causes.


Now, the only witness to see him die, Christopher Lassete, is missing.



Right before Breitbart died, he promised to release a video showing terrorist Ayers and Barack Obama at Harvard planning revolution in the United States. (What’s even more amazing is Obama actually showed up for work.) But soon after Breitbart died,  a less imflamatory video of Barack Obama introducing a mentor of his  (an America-hating radical Harvard professor — is there any other kind of Harvard professor?) was “released” instead.


The stakes are high, folks. And right now, a madman has the advantage.


– What happened to the smile?


NO JOKE: Obama Signs Executive Order Threatening U.S. Sovereignty

Published on May 8, 2012,

This guy is bat-sh-t crazy:



Obama order moves U.S. toward world governance



He can do it, too. It’s called a treaty by Executive Order, and it is within the power of the president, and its as binding on America as a treaty ratified by the Senate. It is not an exaggeration anymore: this guy really is nuts.


This current executive order follows these:


Obama authorizes himself to declare martial law in the event of war with Iran



Obama makes copyright treaty a national secret



Obama’s Treaty by Executive Order



Law Of Sea Treaty (LOST) ratified by Obama’s Executive Order 13547












42% of Americans Obese by 2030? Fat chance. Mere propaganda, with which to control your life:

Published on May 8, 2012,

It’s important to know that most obesity studies show that obesity rates are actually fattening flattening out. But that’s not what control-freaks on the left want you to hear:


“ABC ‘News:’

“42% of Americans Obese by 2030”




 What the headline should have read was:


“The Obama Legacy: Only 2,030 Americans Could Afford to Be Fat by 2042.”



Even Michelle Obama lost weight:


-Glamour and fashion icon Michelle Obama in her first year of eating free at the White House, shown putting the crush on Obamacare Reichfuhrer Katherine Sebelius. (Notice Sebelius’ severely curved right thumb.)



The Professor Weighs In:


‘The Skinny On the Fat Crisis: There Isn’t One.’

 By Professor Allison D. Papalopolopolis.


Hey there! 


“‘Weighs in.’ Hey, that’s funny. You know, this whole obesity thing is a bunch of blubber. A bunch of beefy, blimpy, bulging, bulky, burly, butterball, corpulent, distended, dumpy, elephantine, gargantuan, gross, heavyset, husky, inflated, jelly-belly, oversize, plumpish, ponderous, porcine, potbellied, pudgy, roly-poly, rotund, swollen, weighty, whalelike bunch of baloney! (I dare you to say that five times fast.) I’ve been around academia long enough to know these guys can skew a study any way they want. I mean look at what they did with global warming, and the fraud that’s turned out to be. And some of my peers were crazy enough to claim it was caused by racism! (How did they ever come up with that??) But what really fascinates me is the curve on Katherine Sebelius’ thumb (not that anything else about her interests me, though we really need to keep an eye on her — she’s crazy.). Do you know that a curved thumb is a recessive inherited trait? Interestingly, an inherited trait is outwardly obvious only when two copies of the gene for that trait are present—as opposed to a dominant trait where one copy of the gene for the dominant trait is sufficient to display the trait. As we in the field say, the condition is masked by the presence of the dominant gene when both are present; that is, the recessive condition is seen only in the absence of the dominant gene.  Just as interestedly, so is a condition called cutis laxa, which is a connective tissue disorder where the skin lacks elasticity and hangs in loose folds. (Attention all you guys: you can’t come up with a better pick-up line than that. And in case you don’t know, ‘No Cutis Laxa Here, Baby’ is my handle on Match.com.) Until next time!”




I know what you’re thinking: ‘She had to have found that purple sticky-note.’ Well, sorry to say I haven’t.  And if Obama is re-elected, I won’t be able to move to Canada without it. So if you see it, please let me know!”


Professor Papalopolopolis’ C.V.:





Cutis laxa:


It’s up! The shameless pandering for donations widget:

Published on May 7, 2012,
The money has been rolling in.  Donors so far:


George Soros: “Here. Now shut up.”


Barack Obama: “My finger might be up my nose, you you’ve got to admit it’s an otherwise very statuesque pose.”


John Boehner: “I’ll pay anything. Please, just go away.”


Leonardo DiCaprio: “Dude, thanks for the tough love. I’ve been sending her flowers every day.”


Larry Page: “Slowly, I will buy you and destroy you.”


Brad Pitt: “I can’t wait till you guys visit the White House. Then watch how I make fun of you.”


Eric Holder: “We’re tracing this money.”


Al Sharpton: “Dat picture of me dancing with dat hooker: so how much you want for it?”


The Professor: “Hey there! An astonishingly fresh and frank forum.  Hey, I just used an onomatopoeia*!”


Jack, Have Gun Did Travel: “These people know dick. Seriously — they do.”


Jay Carney: “Like Holder said, we’re tracing this money. I wouldn’t lie about it.”


Giant Shrimp: “Giving you money was no big thing at all.”


Elizabeth Warren: “Here’s $500. Now I want it back. Yes, I am part Indian-giver too.”


Hugo Chavez: I promise to remember you guys in my will:  “Hello, Fine Report.”



*Onomatopoeia is the use of imitative and naturally suggestive words for rhetorical, dramatic, or poetic effect.


Hillary Clinton Wants To See A Female U.S. President In Her Lifetime

Published on May 7, 2012,

(Except Sarah Palin, Michelle Bachmann, Niki Haley, Susana Martinez, Mary Fallin, Jennette Bradle, Jan Brewer, etc., etc,. etc….)


– Insists it won’t be her:



Finally, , Hillary Clinton — arguably the worst Secretary of State in U.S. history — says something we can agree on.


Leave it to the British press tell it what the American press is too corrupt to report ( — and they’re being kind):  ‘Is Hillary Clinton becoming an embarrassment as Secretary of State?’




-After first vodka.



-After second vodka.



-After third vodka.



-Hangover. Lost count. “Coulda been a contenda…”




“I have a feeling she was thinking of about me running. I always get these feelings, you know. Then to calm down, I drink mucus of  snail.  Call me crazy, but at least I’m sober most of the time.”

-Former U.S. House Speaker Crazy Nancy Pelosi, run out of office in 2010.


The Fine Report Signing off for the night

Published on May 7, 2012,


“Now I have to wait till morning for more ?  Seriously, how am I supposed to sleep?  ...Hey, is that my car being towed?!”






Every Picture Tells A Story

Published on May 7, 2012,

Of course, some stories you want to know more than others.


-Fashion icon Rod Stewart, telling a story about something to his right.


Good News from Our Friends in London: Mayor Re-elected

Published on May 7, 2012,

London re-elects conservative Mayor Johnson; rejects anti-Semitic leftist candidate

(Have you finally noticed that ‘anti-Semitic’ and ‘leftist’ go hand-in-hand?)





Shades of 1932

Published on May 7, 2012,

Harbinger of civil war in France:


More Than One Quarter of Jews in France Want To Leave; First time since Nazis took power in Germany


Some 82 percent of respondents say anti-Semitism is a serious problem in France and 78 percent say it has deepened in the past few years.


Moreover, 38 percent of respondents say they personally have been the targets of anti-Semitic incidents, and 58 percent say they know friends or relatives who have been singled out.


Only 30 percent say they don’t know anyone who has experienced some form of anti-Semitism.


“Most of those who are thinking of leaving — 64 percent — have been victims of anti-Semitism, whether physical attacks, verbal assaults or some other form of anti-Jewish behavior.



Frightening stuff from The Gloved One?

– Did Google’s anti-Semitic search results aide a leftist in getting elected to office in France?



– Google CEO Larry Page?
– Is Obama-pal Page an anti-Semite?


See our previous post, ‘Frightening Stuff From The Gloved One’




Truth really is funnier than fiction – and much scarier

Published on May 7, 2012,

‘Bark’ Obama’s defense secretary, Leon Panetta, said this:


Climate Change Has ‘Dramatic Impact on National Security’

“Rising sea levels, severe droughts, the melting of the polar caps, the more frequent and devastating natural disasters all raise demand for humanitarian assistance and disaster relief.”



“What the f-ck is this guy talking about?  I mean, seriously: what f-cking planet does this guy think he’s living on? Earth? Is he sure? …Wait — this dipsh-t is in charge of what?!”

-Former U.S. Senator Blutto Blutarsky


The March of the Sell-Outs at “Saturday Night Live”

Published on May 7, 2012,

We know that the American television company NBC, owned by General Electric — itself run by Obama-hack Jeffery Immelt — is in the bag for the nose-picker-in-chief, willing to fake news reporting and pervert entertainment programming for political ends. But the performers and writers on NBC’s Saturday Night Live have let themselves become hacks, and quite honestly, frauds, and part of an historical scam, willing to sell-out not just their profession, but their country.


If they had any integrity, they’d quit. But they have sold out, and they remain passive, to be used like puppets.


‘Artists,’ they are not. Sell-outs, they are.


Their second greatest sin: they aren’t funny.



NBC’s Kills ‘SNL’ Skit Mocking Barack Obama for His Continual Bragging About Bin Laden Raid



Mr. Sell-out himself,  the pathetic and unfunny Obama-imitator, Fred Armisen:

Laments Armisen: “I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a sell-out bum, which is what I am, let’s face it.”


Published on May 6, 2012,


In case you haven’t been following the story, the Australian Speaker of the House, Peter Slipper (see posts below for fun things we did with his name) is under fire for personal spending on taxi cabs, and for purported acts of sexual harrassment. 
(Compared to what’s going on in the current American government, this guy should be made Prime Minister.)


In the most recent development, Deputy Opposition Leader Julie Bishop has made the following sexual harrassment charge against The Slipper:


“Then he snuck up behind me and he grabbed my ass, like this!  Then he banged his crotch into my butt, like this!  Then he said, ‘It’s good to be the Speaker,’ like this!”


-Deputy Opposition Leader Julie Bishop, like this.





For more Peter Slipper fun:








Don’t give us your ‘Holier than thou’ attitude, okay? You thought it was funny when Mel Brooks did it:


“It’s good to be the King!”

– Mel Brooks, as Louis XVI of France, in his 1981 film ‘History of the World,’ after just having just banged his crotch into a surprised hand-maiden’s butt.


“Time wounds all heels*”

Published on May 6, 2012,

Go Brazil!!


Brazillian Actress Kicks George Soros’ Ass:


– Adriana Ferreyr sues radical leftist and former Nazi collaborator George Soros for $50 million for welching on sex-for-apartment deal



-Ferreyr, on left. Heel, on right.




“That’s it baby! — Don’t take any sh-t from that cheap America-hating, Nazi bastard!!”

-Former U.S. Senator Blutto Blutarsky


*For those among you who do not know the original phrase that our headline is a play on, it is, “Time heals all wounds.” Eesh.


The Way-Back Machine – America, the year 2000: “Step away from the closet!”

Published on May 6, 2012,

“All right, kid — drop the adult, or I’ll blow your f-ing brains out!”


American freedom, Clinton-style: Federal SWAT agent under orders of then Democrat U.S. president Bill Clinton’s attorney general, Janet Reno (meaning, under orders from Clinton), to drag Elián González — an escapee, along with his mother, from communist Cuba —  out from his American relative’s arms for deportation back to Fidel Castro.




“I remember that kid killing my buzz, just like that blind Chinaman is doing now….hic!”

– U.S. Secretary of Inebriation Hillary Clinton, once laughably known as ‘America’s smartest woman,’ who in 2000 was married to then-president Bill Clinton, and was probably then as big a lush as she is now. She is currently known as ‘American’s drunkest woman.’




Published on May 6, 2012,



The first time around, without a shot fired, France surrenders in 1940 to the Farting* Fuhrer of Nazi Germany and Benito Mussolini of Facist italy:


 (*Just as ‘Bark’ Obama picks his nose in public, Hitler had his own problem – farting:  http://washingtonexaminer.com/politics/washington-secrets/2012/05/docs-reveal-hitler-farted-received-sex-injections-craved-cocaine)



Hitler, rubbing the French surrender in France’s face, steps down from the location of the French surrender, in the same rail car Germany signed its own surrender papers at the end of World War One:


Hitler and friends on tour in conquered Paris:


Hitler breaks wind as he leaves Paris, just for good measure.


This is what it feels like the very moment you’ve realized you’ve lost your freedom. That very moment. And this picture from Europe wasn’t taken that long ago, folks:



Remember this ugly, and very-telling incident?



Well, we knew France getting its act together was too good to last.

Things are going to get very, very bad in France,  very, very soon.


But it’s not too late for the U.S.  We have one shot left, and it’s on November 2nd, 2012.

– One last chance. And we’re lucky we have it.


In the meantime, here’s the bad news for the free world:


Sarkozy Loses To Socialist Candidate

New leader promises to tax the rich and big corporations rather than cut spending, and to lower the retirement age from 62 to 60.


(In other words, France will destroy itself, as did Greece, and as ‘Bark’ Obama is trying to do to the U.S., with the handing out of vote-getting entitlements no nation on Earth can ever hope to be able pay for, in any citizen’s lifetime, born now or anytime in the future.)





-Michelle Obama, America’s Ambassador of Bad-Will, giving he stink-eye to French president Sarkozy’s wife, Carla.

‘Bark’ Obama Reality-Check

Published on May 6, 2012,

The nose-picking fraud is going to go down in a landslide, rivaling Ronald Reagan’s victory against then-U.S. presidential fiasco Jimmy Carter:


-Going down, Obama-style




How Mitt Romney’s Campaign Put A Damper On Obama’s Big Day



-Recent Obama sold-out event  (the chairs shown here were each required to  buy a ticket)


Gallup Poll: Romney Ahead



Things Not Looking Good For race-baiters Obama, Jackson, And Sharpton



29.7 Million Seek Work (Let’s make it 29,700.001)



Obama Abolishes the Press Conference (running for his life)



Obama under fire over collapse of Chen communist China dissident deal 



“Him again? This guy is starting to kill my buzz.”

-Secretary of Inebriation Hillary Clinton


Obama Praises Nazi Supporter in Jewish Heritage Month Proclamation




But he won’t go down without first trying to shred the Constitution:


Obama administration urges freer access to cellphone records



Obama seeks more than 1,700 secret warrants




And finally, there’s this suicidal a-hole:


Boehner: ‘One in three chance’ House Republicans could lose majority


-GOP House Speaker John Boehner, suidical a-hole.



Published on May 6, 2012,



The Fine Report has the exclusive on the letter:


“Dear Sh-thead:


“You vulgar little maggot. You are a canker. A sore that won’t go away. Like herpes! I would rather kiss a slug than be seen with you. You’re a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Even though I have nothing against weasels, and apologize for insulting nice weasels. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.


“You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beast who gave birth to you and then killed herself in recognition of what she had done. Your daddy was a bastard, your mamma was a whore, and you wouldn’t be here if the rubber hadn’t tore. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you.


“You have all the appeal of the boogers you keep pulling from your nose in public. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?


“You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood.


“May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. Just like bread mold. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. Just like hobos, or 10-year-old futons. You are foul and disgusting. You’re a fool, an ignoramus. And I like calling you ignoramus too. Monkeys look down on you. Sheep won’t have sex with you- only trash such as yourself (you did manage to find one). Sorry to the sheep that consider themselves to have higher standards. In fact, I’m pretty sure sheep only have sex with sheep, when given the option.


“You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?


“You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You call yourself a dancer? You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. Politely speaking, you are a pot hole. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile, one-handed, slack-jawed, drooling, meat-slapper. On a good day you’re a half-wit. You remind me of drool. Well you remind me of stinky diapers.


“You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of a used condom. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.


“You are a fiend and a coward, and you have toe jam. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away forever.


“I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. Rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. So stupid it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Because of you, stupid has gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. This is an epiphany of stupid for me.


“And you DO NOT speak for me. And I will not stand for your use and abuse of my brethren the SEALS. You have never spoken for me, nor will you ever speak for me.”


For Liberty, and may all dogs avoid your kitchen,
(Name withheld)




“I’m feeling a little more positive today about this country, knowing a guy with these kind of balls still exists.

-Former U.S. Senator Blutto Blutarsky


EMERGENCY EMAIL FROM ARGENTINA — And Introducing “Jack, Have Gun Did Travel”

Published on May 5, 2012,


We received an email from someone in the town of Mendoza, Argentina. It was labeled , “Emergency!”


It was a question:
“Hey man, I’m drunk in Mendoza, Argentina, and about to get lucky — I need a condom! Where I can get one quick? What do I do if I can’t get one?”


Before we address the question, it is important to first know this: the resources of The Fine Report spread very far,  and very, very wide.  Underestimate them at your peril.


That said, the message, for whatever reason, piqued our interest. So we contacted the one man we knew in the world who could not only make more sense of it, but fill in the entire picture behind it. His name is Jack, and his handle is “Have Gun, Did Travel” (his name must remain confidential, to protect the guilty). Yes, Jack was a bit of an outlaw in his early days, with adventures throughout the far corners of the Earth. He later gave up his nomadic life to settle into a career as a medical professional and an investor. Today, Jack is a very comfortable semi-retired investor, married to a hot babe, and is a generous patron of the arts. His life experiences make Keith Richards’ look like Justin Beibers’. And, we assure you, he makes The Worlds Most Interesting Man from the Dos Equis beer commercial look like a nerd. He states he no longer needs to travel outside America to experience the Third World.


This is Jack, in earlier days, his face intentionally obscured. (Or he’s had a welder’s mask built into his cowboy hat. We’re not sure which. We were too intimidated to ask):



Jack is so hot that he was the first person Facebook reached-out to when they officially announced their recent Organ Donation Program. (Reason shown below):

-And nor is Jack is wearing a fake nose in this picture (on his face)  — he says it’s just a different graphic used to protect his identity. We now know he did not have a welder’s mask built into his cowboy hat.



Eager to help a guy in trouble, Jack agreed to not merely analyze the question, but to provide a thoughtful answer as well. Take it away, Jack:


Dear “Traveler:
Yes, I believe you are a traveler. And from your location in Mendoza, Argentina (where wine is produced) you’re probably drunk enough to want to pop the local hooker. It might even be the same hooker I once popped. (Is her name Anita by any chance? Anita Dunn?) Traveler, you in a good position (hopefully not a sexual position, at least not yet). Argentina, while decidedly Catholic, is also heavily influenced by the passions of Italy, where most Argentinians can trace their their family history to.  People in Argentina are notorious for eating dinner late and having a lot of wine with dinner, especially in that Mendoza area.  If you had planned ahead, you could have just stopped into the local pharmacy and bought condoms. But being you’re in a situation where you have a couple balls in the air (literally) you’re probably desperate, drunk, but still sane enough to have a sense of self-preservation. (My kind of guy!) What I suggest you do is go into this babe’s kitchen (I’m assuming it’s a babe; if not, same advice applies) and grab a Zip-Lock baggie.  Think I’m crazy, do ya? Not only have I used few of these in questionable sexual situations (I went through a whole box once during an orgy), but I found you can also get your balls into them, too — those puppies need to be protected from STDs as well.  But see if she has thinner sandwich-type bags, because I found that using a freezer-type bag feels like you’re wearing an aluminum cigar tube on your you-know-what. No use taking any unnecessary chances, my friend – at least not with something as trite as this. In the morning you can rinse the bag out and use it to keep your lunch fresh. (Remember Traveler: you are in the Third World.)  Hey man, this was fun. It brought back a lot of fond memories that marriage, my conscience and a variety of international laws made me think I had better forget about. So if you guys — and gals — have any questions about sex, dope or money, I think I’d be willing to answer another one. And remember: I no longer travel. But I still have the gun.
Have Gun, Did Travel



Jack can be reached through the Editor, at thefinereport.com


Copyright 2012 TheFineReport



COMING in SEPTEMBER: The biggest moron to ever hold elected office, L.A. Mayor Villaraigosa, will be HEADLINING at the Democrat National Convention!

Published on May 5, 2012,



Actual Los Angeles Magazine cover story:


Los Angeles Mag: “Antonio Villaraigosa a ‘failure’ as mayor”



-This, is the Democrat party’s flagship Latino. His real name: Tony Villar.


Attention all non-corrupt media outlets with a sense of humor: this guy is the biggest jackass since…Jackass!  There is a lot of fun to be had at this putz’s expense, so start preparing. He is considered an absolute joke in Los Angeles.


These two radio guys (John and Ken) have well-earned career lampooning him (you can listen to them on the Internet:)




Just how pathetically inept and corrupt is this guy? This bad: he’s a Hillary Clinton intimate! She chose him as a national co-chair of her failed presidential campaign.


A former ‘community organizer,’ he is as great a contrivance as ‘Barack Hussein Obama’  or ‘American’s smartest woman, Hillary Clinton.’


Don’t miss out on the fun – start preparing!



“‘Veeah’ who?…  Oh, that guy…  Speaking of Mexicans, how about another Margarita?”

U.S. Secretary of Inebriation, Hillary Clinton




Published on May 5, 2012,












– Penniless when he was elected U.S. Senator of Massachusetts (Democrat), Kerry has magically amased a fortune of $193,000,000.00!


– Now the richest member of the Senate!


–  Has well-documented history of investing in companies that would benefit from his vote in the Senate!


– Conveniently timed and highly profitable trades coinciding privileged information of passage of major legislation!


-Invested millions in scam ‘green energy’ companies that benefited from the Obama’s subsidizing with taxpayer dollars!


– His ‘green’ companies received a $646 million taxpayer-guaranteed loan in 2011 ; created only 20 permanent jobs; other ‘green’ company received a $529 million federal loan guarantee in 2010!


– His government loans made possible by 2009 stimulus bill, which Kerry “played a key role” in crafting, designed to offer federal support for his ‘green’ energy projects!


– Kerry has hundreds of thousands of dollars invested in venture capital firm run prominent Obama donor who served on the Obama’s scam ‘Economy Recovery Advisory Board!’


– Was one of 10 Senators to use inside information to trade financial stocks after emergency 2008 meeting between Treasury Secretary, Federal Reserve chairman and leading members of Congress!


 – Used inside information to  load up on pharmaceutical stocks; took bribes and kickbacks and payoffs of $80 billion to help ‘make the bill work!’


– Used inside information to buy shares of ResMed, a company which surged more than 70 percent after the Obamacare passage!


– Used inside information to sell stock in health care insurance providers, which were deemed big losers under the new law!


– Has millions of dollars invested in funds operated by some of his largest campaign donors!


– Helped secure a $3.5 billion windfall for prominent campaign donor!


– Kerry’s controversial financial  activity STEALING  could complicate his recently announced role as a top surrogate for Obama’s reelection campaign!


– Obama repeatedly sought to blame wealthy investors such as Kerry for precipitating the financial crisis of 2008!


– Kerry expressed sympathy for the controversial “Occu-Poop” movement, which has become notorious for advocating and carrying out vandalism against large banks and investment firms!





-Former U.S. Senator Blutto Blutarsky


“SIEG — ‘braaaaap!!’ — HEIL!”

Published on May 4, 2012,

Documents reveal Adolph Hitler farted uncontrollably due to his vegetarian diet


-The Nazi symbol, now to be forever known as the “Fartstika.”




“That’s completely disgusting!”

-Contrivance, dog-eater and current president of the U.S. ‘Bark’ Obama


“Ewww.. It really is!”

–  Contrived ‘American’s smartest woman,’ incompetent current Secretary of Inebriation Hillary Clinton



“Hitler should have done what I do when I have bad gas: bring a couple of Great Danes in the house, and blame it on them.”

– Former Speaker of the House and notorious windbag, Democrat Crazy Nancy Pelosi


Blind Chinese’s Dissident’s Pleas Ignored by U.S. Secretary of Inebriation Hillary Clinton

Published on May 4, 2012,

Chen Guangcheng, the blind Chinese dissident who took refuge in the U.S. embassy, hoped Secretary of Inebriation Hillary Clinton would rescue him. “My fervent hope is that it would be possible for me and my family to leave for the U.S. on Hillary Clinton’s plane.”




“Fervent wha?… What plane? Oh, that plane…. How about another vodka, plain.
And hurry it up, will ya?…


“Whattaya mean, he’s blind?   So what does he want from me?  Get him a cane or something…. hic!…'”


-United States Secretary of Inebriation, Hillary Clinton




“This a–wipe is Secretary of WHAT?? 

“And they once called ME stupid and drunk?? 

“No sh-t, man! — what’s happened to this place?!”

-Former U.S. Senator Blutto Blutarsky

© Copyright TheFineReport.com 2013 All Rights Reserved