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EMERGENCY EMAIL FROM ARGENTINA — And Introducing “Jack, Have Gun Did Travel”

Published on May 5, 2012,


We received an email from someone in the town of Mendoza, Argentina. It was labeled , “Emergency!”


It was a question:
“Hey man, I’m drunk in Mendoza, Argentina, and about to get lucky — I need a condom! Where I can get one quick? What do I do if I can’t get one?”


Before we address the question, it is important to first know this: the resources of The Fine Report spread very far,  and very, very wide.  Underestimate them at your peril.


That said, the message, for whatever reason, piqued our interest. So we contacted the one man we knew in the world who could not only make more sense of it, but fill in the entire picture behind it. His name is Jack, and his handle is “Have Gun, Did Travel” (his name must remain confidential, to protect the guilty). Yes, Jack was a bit of an outlaw in his early days, with adventures throughout the far corners of the Earth. He later gave up his nomadic life to settle into a career as a medical professional and an investor. Today, Jack is a very comfortable semi-retired investor, married to a hot babe, and is a generous patron of the arts. His life experiences make Keith Richards’ look like Justin Beibers’. And, we assure you, he makes The Worlds Most Interesting Man from the Dos Equis beer commercial look like a nerd. He states he no longer needs to travel outside America to experience the Third World.


This is Jack, in earlier days, his face intentionally obscured. (Or he’s had a welder’s mask built into his cowboy hat. We’re not sure which. We were too intimidated to ask):



Jack is so hot that he was the first person Facebook reached-out to when they officially announced their recent Organ Donation Program. (Reason shown below):

-And nor is Jack is wearing a fake nose in this picture (on his face)  — he says it’s just a different graphic used to protect his identity. We now know he did not have a welder’s mask built into his cowboy hat.



Eager to help a guy in trouble, Jack agreed to not merely analyze the question, but to provide a thoughtful answer as well. Take it away, Jack:


Dear “Traveler:
Yes, I believe you are a traveler. And from your location in Mendoza, Argentina (where wine is produced) you’re probably drunk enough to want to pop the local hooker. It might even be the same hooker I once popped. (Is her name Anita by any chance? Anita Dunn?) Traveler, you in a good position (hopefully not a sexual position, at least not yet). Argentina, while decidedly Catholic, is also heavily influenced by the passions of Italy, where most Argentinians can trace their their family history to.  People in Argentina are notorious for eating dinner late and having a lot of wine with dinner, especially in that Mendoza area.  If you had planned ahead, you could have just stopped into the local pharmacy and bought condoms. But being you’re in a situation where you have a couple balls in the air (literally) you’re probably desperate, drunk, but still sane enough to have a sense of self-preservation. (My kind of guy!) What I suggest you do is go into this babe’s kitchen (I’m assuming it’s a babe; if not, same advice applies) and grab a Zip-Lock baggie.  Think I’m crazy, do ya? Not only have I used few of these in questionable sexual situations (I went through a whole box once during an orgy), but I found you can also get your balls into them, too — those puppies need to be protected from STDs as well.  But see if she has thinner sandwich-type bags, because I found that using a freezer-type bag feels like you’re wearing an aluminum cigar tube on your you-know-what. No use taking any unnecessary chances, my friend – at least not with something as trite as this. In the morning you can rinse the bag out and use it to keep your lunch fresh. (Remember Traveler: you are in the Third World.)  Hey man, this was fun. It brought back a lot of fond memories that marriage, my conscience and a variety of international laws made me think I had better forget about. So if you guys — and gals — have any questions about sex, dope or money, I think I’d be willing to answer another one. And remember: I no longer travel. But I still have the gun.
Have Gun, Did Travel



Jack can be reached through the Editor, at thefinereport.com


Copyright 2012 TheFineReport



COMING in SEPTEMBER: The biggest moron to ever hold elected office, L.A. Mayor Villaraigosa, will be HEADLINING at the Democrat National Convention!

Published on May 5, 2012,



Actual Los Angeles Magazine cover story:


Los Angeles Mag: “Antonio Villaraigosa a ‘failure’ as mayor”



-This, is the Democrat party’s flagship Latino. His real name: Tony Villar.


Attention all non-corrupt media outlets with a sense of humor: this guy is the biggest jackass since…Jackass!  There is a lot of fun to be had at this putz’s expense, so start preparing. He is considered an absolute joke in Los Angeles.


These two radio guys (John and Ken) have well-earned career lampooning him (you can listen to them on the Internet:)




Just how pathetically inept and corrupt is this guy? This bad: he’s a Hillary Clinton intimate! She chose him as a national co-chair of her failed presidential campaign.


A former ‘community organizer,’ he is as great a contrivance as ‘Barack Hussein Obama’  or ‘American’s smartest woman, Hillary Clinton.’


Don’t miss out on the fun – start preparing!



“‘Veeah’ who?…  Oh, that guy…  Speaking of Mexicans, how about another Margarita?”

U.S. Secretary of Inebriation, Hillary Clinton




Published on May 5, 2012,












– Penniless when he was elected U.S. Senator of Massachusetts (Democrat), Kerry has magically amased a fortune of $193,000,000.00!


– Now the richest member of the Senate!


–  Has well-documented history of investing in companies that would benefit from his vote in the Senate!


– Conveniently timed and highly profitable trades coinciding privileged information of passage of major legislation!


-Invested millions in scam ‘green energy’ companies that benefited from the Obama’s subsidizing with taxpayer dollars!


– His ‘green’ companies received a $646 million taxpayer-guaranteed loan in 2011 ; created only 20 permanent jobs; other ‘green’ company received a $529 million federal loan guarantee in 2010!


– His government loans made possible by 2009 stimulus bill, which Kerry “played a key role” in crafting, designed to offer federal support for his ‘green’ energy projects!


– Kerry has hundreds of thousands of dollars invested in venture capital firm run prominent Obama donor who served on the Obama’s scam ‘Economy Recovery Advisory Board!’


– Was one of 10 Senators to use inside information to trade financial stocks after emergency 2008 meeting between Treasury Secretary, Federal Reserve chairman and leading members of Congress!


 – Used inside information to  load up on pharmaceutical stocks; took bribes and kickbacks and payoffs of $80 billion to help ‘make the bill work!’


– Used inside information to buy shares of ResMed, a company which surged more than 70 percent after the Obamacare passage!


– Used inside information to sell stock in health care insurance providers, which were deemed big losers under the new law!


– Has millions of dollars invested in funds operated by some of his largest campaign donors!


– Helped secure a $3.5 billion windfall for prominent campaign donor!


– Kerry’s controversial financial  activity STEALING  could complicate his recently announced role as a top surrogate for Obama’s reelection campaign!


– Obama repeatedly sought to blame wealthy investors such as Kerry for precipitating the financial crisis of 2008!


– Kerry expressed sympathy for the controversial “Occu-Poop” movement, which has become notorious for advocating and carrying out vandalism against large banks and investment firms!





-Former U.S. Senator Blutto Blutarsky


“SIEG — ‘braaaaap!!’ — HEIL!”

Published on May 4, 2012,

Documents reveal Adolph Hitler farted uncontrollably due to his vegetarian diet


-The Nazi symbol, now to be forever known as the “Fartstika.”




“That’s completely disgusting!”

-Contrivance, dog-eater and current president of the U.S. ‘Bark’ Obama


“Ewww.. It really is!”

–  Contrived ‘American’s smartest woman,’ incompetent current Secretary of Inebriation Hillary Clinton



“Hitler should have done what I do when I have bad gas: bring a couple of Great Danes in the house, and blame it on them.”

– Former Speaker of the House and notorious windbag, Democrat Crazy Nancy Pelosi


Blind Chinese’s Dissident’s Pleas Ignored by U.S. Secretary of Inebriation Hillary Clinton

Published on May 4, 2012,

Chen Guangcheng, the blind Chinese dissident who took refuge in the U.S. embassy, hoped Secretary of Inebriation Hillary Clinton would rescue him. “My fervent hope is that it would be possible for me and my family to leave for the U.S. on Hillary Clinton’s plane.”




“Fervent wha?… What plane? Oh, that plane…. How about another vodka, plain.
And hurry it up, will ya?…


“Whattaya mean, he’s blind?   So what does he want from me?  Get him a cane or something…. hic!…'”


-United States Secretary of Inebriation, Hillary Clinton




“This a–wipe is Secretary of WHAT?? 

“And they once called ME stupid and drunk?? 

“No sh-t, man! — what’s happened to this place?!”

-Former U.S. Senator Blutto Blutarsky


Obama Shrugs-Off Disappointing Jobs Number

Published on May 4, 2012,



“What do I care? Me and my family, we’re living large, and so are my friends.  I got the all the major news networks shilling for me, and have half the nation on food stamps and whathaveyou. I could play golf 96 times and no one would care. I could get caught lying about my entire life story, and no one would care.  I could pick my nose up to my friggin’ first knuckle at a press conference – and eat it – and no one would care.


“So why would I care about a thing like a ‘jobs report.’ I’ll  blame it on Bush, and let the New York Times, NBC and CNN take it from there.  My planned destruction of the U.S. economic system continues unchallenged.  Life is so good for me, even my snot seems to be tasting better. “



– Photo of his eating of the end-product has merciflly been omitted.




“It’s true. His snot has been tasting a little better. Not that I’m so thrilled about being covered with it after kissing his hand, but you know, it could be worse. (You should have tasted it a year ago.)  Now, if he only did something about his ass, kissing it would be so much less horrendous.”


-U.S. House Speaker John Boehner, incompetent, coward, hack and ass-kisser.



“But not a snitch!”



Unemployment Rate ‘Drops’ — The Professor Weighs In

Published on May 4, 2012,

‘Lowering the unemployment rate by destroying the job market.’

 By Professor Allison D. Papalopolopolis.


Hey there!


Once again the jobs report is ‘worse than expected.’ Well, well, what a surprise. But somehow the unemployment rate released by the Obama administration today is ‘only 8.1%’. Yeah, right. That makes about as much sense racism causing global warming. These days, the unemployment rate is propaganda (a lie, let’s face it) blabbered by Barack Obama. The reason for this  ‘lower rate’ is that the less people who look for work, the lower the ‘unemployment rate’ will be. Duh! Now think about this: the number of people ‘leaving’ the labor force has just increased by 522,000. Of course the ‘unemployment rate’ is going to decrease if less people are looking for work and don’t report they can’t find a job! Double-duh!


So, to all you 88,000,000 Americans not working, I’ll say this: you really can vote yourself a job and a future  this November.  If you think things are bad now, wait until the full Obamacare taxes and regulations start kicking in right after the November election. (Pretty convenient, huh?)


Don’t trade your future and your childrens’ futures for  a free cell phone, food stamps and some marginal free health care. It’s a crappy deal, and you wouldn’t buy it at K-Mart, if they were crazy enough to sell it.


Heck, if this communist lunatic is re-elected, I’m moving to Canada. (Though hopefully that won’t be necessary, because if history is any judge Barack Obama is going to lose the presidential election by a landslide. Nonetheless, the damage he continues to do will take many, many years to correct.)


So gang, that concludes my thesis, ‘lowering the unemployment rate by destroying the job market.’ Until next time!


Last thing: I cannot find a very important purple sticky-note I put someplace, and I’ve been looking for it for weeks.  It’s driving me crazy. If you see it, please let me know, because if Obama is reelected, I won’t be able to move to Canada without it.



To read Professor Papalopolopolis’ C.V.:




Professor Papalopolopolis can be reached through The Fine Report, care of the editor: thefinereport@gmail.com

Copyright 2012 The Fine Report



“I need attention, too.”

Published on May 4, 2012,


“I gave the night editor a choice: keep working, or come to bed. Which do you think he’ll do?”



“Goodnight everyone.”




Is THIS the ‘girlfriend?’

Published on May 4, 2012,

The ‘girlfriend’ in William Ayers’ ‘Obama’s’ book, “Dreams of My Father??????”


-The woman once thought to be Elizabeth Warren’s Aunt Shirley is now suspected of being the former object of ‘Bark’ Obama’s youthful passions.



BREAKING: Crazy Elizabeth Warren Is Part Black, Too!

Published on May 3, 2012,

Not only is Harvard lunatic and Senate candidate Elizabeth Warren 1/320,000 American Indian (“Someone told me my grandmother had high cheek bones — and feathers!”).


But it turns out she is also part black:


“Someone told me my Aunt Shirley had rhythm!”


– A photo, purportedly of Elizabeth Warren’s Aunt Shirley at what was then known as a ‘sock hop,’ circa 1955.




“Who is this Elizabeth Warren psycho dipsh-t?!  Just what the f-ck is going on around here?!”

– Guest commentator Blutto Blutarsky



Painting Sold for $119.9 Million US

Published on May 3, 2012,

Edvard Munch’s 1895 ‘The Scream’ sold for $119,900,000 US in record art auction

“Sure, I’m glad I won. But you think for that kind of money, they would have thrown in a nicer frame.”
-Comment by buyer



BUT– through a special offer with The Fine Report, our readers can download it for free!


(Merely right-click on your mouse, and left-click on ‘$$$ave!)


So when your friends try to brag about their hundred-million dollar painting, you can just say, “Big deal. I got it for free.”





Special bonus download: ‘The Scream II’




Bad News for ‘Bark’ Obama

Published on May 3, 2012,

Remember when the American ‘news’ media said ‘Bark’ Obama was “God?”

(video here, if necessary:)



Well, it’s offical: he’s been demoted! He’s now only

Henry V!




MSNBC’s Matthews: Obama is “Henry V”


 (Why can’t we come up with stuff this funny on our own??)




-The real Henry V, reciting from his book, “Dreams of Henry IV,” actually written by Sir William Ayers.




MSNBC’s modern-day Henry V, in armor, riding his

war bicycle:


– ‘Bark’ Obama, alias Henry V





-Guest commentator, Blutto Blutarsky




“It’s a damn shame. After 3 and a half years, this president is still comedy-proof. Never seen anything like it.”

-Anonymous Saturday Night Live producer


The Fraud of ‘Barack Obama:’ His Incompetence and Laziness As Head of the Harvard Law Review

Published on May 2, 2012,

Carol Platt Liebau was the first female editor of Harvard Law Review, and worked under Obama at HLR. She described her experience with Obama as follows.


“A lot of the time he quote/unquote “worked from home”, which was sort of a shorthand – and people would say it sort of wryly – shorthand for not really doing much.


“He just wasn’t around. Most of the day to day work was carried out by the managing editor of the Review, my predecessor, Tom Pirelli .


“Pirelli’s the one who did most of the day to day work. Barack Obama was nowhere to be seen. Occasionally he would drop in he would talk to people, and then he’d leave again as though his very arrival had been a benediction in and of itself, but not very much got done.”


Not much has changed.


-‘Barack Obama,’ or whoever this guy is, has played golf 96 times in  3 1/2 years. (That equals 3 months of actual time playing golf while president of the United States.)

The ‘Barack Obama’ Fraud: More Wheels Come Off

Published on May 2, 2012,


Barack Obama admits the existence of the ‘girlfriend’ character from ‘his’ book “Dreams of My Father” is a lie. 





We’ll soon all learn he didn’t write that book, either.  Or any other book.


Even now, there are many of us who understand the entire life story of ‘Barack Obama’ is a lie.


And we understand him to be the lunatic he actually is.


And he is president of the United States.





-Guest commentator Blutto Blutarsky



Frightening Stuff from ‘The Gloved One?’

Published on May 2, 2012,


Larry Page’s Google Accused of SSUS* In France




Is ‘The Gloved One’ really this malignant?


-Herr Larry Page, Google CEO?


Whether you hate  Jews, love Jews, or feel anywhere in-between, remember this: What horrors might await them while you do nothing, will soon await you. (It happens every time: they are truly ‘the canary in the world coal mine.’ ** )



Ugh: Google sued in France over ‘Jewish’ searches


-Google’s new logo?



Google is being sued for suggesting the term “Jewish” in searches involving celebrities.


Patrick Kulgman, a lawyer for SOS Racisme, told Agence France Presse that the feature amounts to “the creation of what is probably the biggest Jewish file in history.” That would be a non-issue in many countries, but France has outlawed the compilation of “ethnic files,” AFP reports.


“Numerous users of the premier search engine in France and the world confront daily an unsolicited and almost systematic association between the term ‘Jewish’ and the last names of prominent figures in politics, media and business,” the suit says, creating a sense of Jewish “omnipotence in the French leadership.”




Shades of The Reichpicker, Barack Obama, M.A.***, some SSUS* himself:


-Barack Obama, giving the Reichpick salute.


Obama’s Double Standard on Anti-Semitism of Occu-Poopers



Barack Obama Proves His Anti-Semitism

One hundred days into Barack Obama’s presidency, he demonstrated cowardice abroad and demagogic tyranny at home. On the 105th day of his presidency, he demonstrated his clear-cut anti-Semitism.



Obama appoints anti-Israel lobbyist to anti-Semitism post



Six degrees of separation: Obama and anti-Semitism




Tying it all together: Google executive supports Obama



-Google CEO Larry Page, with a haircut so bad, only a billion dollars could buy it.



*Your patience in reading all the way to the end of this piece will now be rewarded. ‘SSUS:’ “Some seriously ugly shit.”


**Can’t believe you didn’t know this: Poison gas is a very serious danger in coal mining. In the old days, coal miners learned to bring a simple caged canary with them to detect the presence of poisonous gases in the mine they were working in. If deadly gas was present, the canary — being unusually sensitive to poison gas (who wouldn’t be?) — would quickly die, and thus alert the miners to its presence. Whether this gave miners enough warning to escape death themselves: sometimes it did, other times it did not. Given the high rate of fatalities and low pay, canary unions soon formed and fought bitterly for better working conditions and higher wages. As a result, it is now standard for coal mine canaries to be equipped with gas masks and provided with electronic sensors, which not only allow them to detect poison gases more quickly, but  ensure that they survive to sing another day.


*** M.A.: “malignant asshole.”



Guest commentary:


“What the f-ck is wrong with you a-holes!? Dont you see what’s giong on?!  It’s right in front of  your face! One day you’ll complain,’ They took the bar! The whole f-cking bar!’ Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!  it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the goin’ gets tough.. What the f-ck happened happened to you guys? Where’s the spirit? Where’s the guts, huh? Well they can just kiss my ass from now on!  I’m not gonna take this!  F-ck Google! F-ck Larry Page! F-ck ‘Barack Obama!’  — Let’s do it!!…”


-Prof. Bluto Blutarsky



CNN Ratings In Proverbial Toilet

Published on May 2, 2012,

“You can fool some of the people all of the time. You can fool all of the people some of the time. But you cannot fool all of the people all of the time.”

– Abraham Lincoln, 16th President of the United States (1861-1865).


Addendum: “Except in California.”


-‘Honest Abe’ Lincoln, as he was commonly referred to.


Thus, CNN is left relegated to fooling some of the people all of the time…


CNN Has Lowest Ratings In 10 Years:

 – Network Becomes Loss-Leader for Propaganda Value In U.S. and Internationally (In other words, all our friends outside of America, you should know what most of Americans have finally learned about CNN: their information is bullsh-t).


-CNN, upside down in the ratings. (Perhaps they could simply rebrand as “NND,” and save a ton of money on graphics.  Hey,  the M.B.A. we let hang around has finally come up with a good idea!)




Their Clown Act Fares No Better:


-Bullshitter Anderson Blooper-Cooper, upside down in the ratings too, ironically shown standing in front of “No bullshit” sign. (For those of you doing yoga as you read this, Blooper is actually shown upside down. It’s a joke, you see — if you weren’t standing on your head, you’d get it. If you do not like the joke or are angry for any reason, please refer your complaint to Spke Lee, New York City, NY.  Telephone callls should preferably be very late at night or very early in the morning. If Mr. Lee doesn’t pick up the first time you call,  dial again and let it keep ringing. If you get his answering service, continue calling until Lee finally picks up. If you get his assistant, demand to speak to Lee. Once you get Lee on the phone, remember, screaming and very foul language are appreciated.)





Charles Schwab Survey: ‘High Net Worth’ Individuals’ View on the Global Economy

Published on May 2, 2012,


Survey:  How Millionaires And Billionaires Really Feel About The Global Economy




The summary:




The details:


Here is what Schwab’s High-Net-Worth clients see in the next six months:

  • 31 percent thought unemployment was about to increase.
  • 27 percent see a “double dip” recession coming.
  • 60 percent expect inflation to heat up.
  • 8 percent think energy prices will fall.




The celebration.


“‘Forward,’ Comrades!” Glamour and fashion  icon and Obama-wife Michelle Obama dancing at news of damage to the U.S. economy.

– Courtesy Sadhillnews.com




*We regret to say there are absolutely no High Net Worth clients working for The Fine Report at this time. But we will not hurl our feces in protest –at this time.



New campaign slogan from Michelle Obama: “Change is slow”

Published on May 2, 2012,


And so is your husband.






Britain: What the hell is happening to you people?

Published on May 2, 2012,

Barack Obama may be dumb enough to despise you, but the rest of us sure don’t.  Yet.



Is London about to elect a mayor who has been accused of anti-Semitism?


Ken Livingstone, who has vowed to turn the city into a ‘beacon’ of Islam and slammed ‘rich’ Jews, is now neck and neck in race to be mayor






Honk, if you’re sick of looking at the same stuff over and over again in the right column.

Published on May 2, 2012,



John Boehner: King of Wimps

Published on May 1, 2012,


U.S. House Speaker John A. Boehner scolded President Obama on Sunday: “The president is getting some very bad advice from his campaign team, because he’s diminishing the presidency by picking fake fights, going after straw men every day.”







Sigh…  (See column on right, top).




“Why doesn’t Boehner just say ‘Obama should stick to picking his nose instead of picking fake fights.’ I mean, that’s what I would have said if George Bush was president. And Bush doesn’t even pick his nose — or  least he didn’t pick it in public.”

-Nancy Pelosi, former Speaker of the House of Representatives and current Congresswoman from North California



-Unedited photo of ‘Mr. Cool,’ Barack Obama, picking his nose at a press conference.



Our potential new advertiser:




Fore x 96 = 3

Published on May 1, 2012,



The number of times Barack Obama has played golf in just one term in office. In other words, in 3 1/2 years in office, over 3 months of it has been spent playing golf.







The US dollars that Michelle Obama has spent of taxpayer money on personal vacations, though it is believed to be higher.






For the sake of the free world, the number of times Barack Obama is elected president of the United States.





The number of times an Obama voter need apologize before they could get half way through the process of atoning for what they did to the United States.






The number of fan letters The Fine Report has received to date from Barack Obama, John Boehner, Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Larry Page, Peter Slipper, George Clooney, the Devil, Joseph Biden, Michelle Obama, Brad Pitt, Eric Holder, Al Sharpton, The Professor, Mao, Jay Carney, giant shrimp, aliens, Elizabeth Warren, James Cameron, North Korea, Jimmy Carter, the TSA, the New York Times, Warren Buffett, Saturday Night Live, David Axelrod, Hitler, Mike Tyson, Martin Bashir, Hugo Chavez, Jeb Bush — or anyone else, for that matter.


Copyright 2012 The Fine Report

(Don’t even think about it.  Ok, ok, — just give us credit.)



Please address all complaints to Spike Lee, NYC, NY.


Gov. Chris Christie: And you only thought he had a weight problem?

Published on May 1, 2012,

Chris Christie for Vice President? After this, fat chance.


 DANIEL PIPES: Chris Christie’s Islam Problem

“Christie has hugged a terrorist-organization member, abridged free-speech rights, scorned concern over Islamization, and opposed law-enforcement counterterrorism efforts. Whenever an issue touching on Islam arises, Christie takes the Islamist side against those — the DHS, state senators, the NYPD, even the ACLU — who worry about lawful Islamism eroding the fabric of American life.”



-New Jersey Tubenor Chis Christie, ordering lunch.



Weigh-loss Guru RICHARD SIMMONS: “He’s fat, fat, fat!  Otherwise, I love the bastard.”

– Richard Simmons, preparing to be sat on by Chris Christie.



Google CEO Larry Page: Party animal?

Published on May 1, 2012,

Could this be the same guy ignoring the law and invading everyone’s privacy?


(Is it only billionaires that have this much fun?)


– Google CEO Larry Page, having a good time? — “High five!”




– Google CEO Larry Page, having shaved moustache, after realizing it caused irritation from his daily ritual of putting a rubber glove over head head and inflating it through his nose. “My next challenge is to find a better hair dresser. Maybe I’ll Google one. You know, maybe I should leave a rubber glove on head all the time.”

The Fine Report and I…

Published on May 1, 2012,

“We make a lovely pair, don’t we?”



– Google co-founder Larry Page, after latest botched plastic surgery




Question to Australia: Where do you guys get these names?

Published on May 1, 2012,

The ‘Mr. Sandal’ Scandal Continues:


House Speaker Peter Slipper, circling the drain, with his friends in tow:

Pyne, Abbott face questions over Slipper



May 1, 2012 – 3:59PM



Deputy Prime Minister Wayne Swan


says senior members of the federal opposition must reveal if they knew the content of legal action against Speaker Peter Slipper



before the suit was lodged in court.  Fairfax Media says coalition frontbencher Christopher Pyne



spent almost two hours drinking and chatting with Slipper



adviser James Hunter Ashby



a month before Mr Ashby lodged documents accusing Mr Slipper


of sexual harassment and misusing cab vouchers.  Mr Pyne


met with Mr Ashby and another Slipper



staffer in the Speaker’s office in Parliament House on the evening of March 19, and he later phoned the office to request Mr. Hunter Ashby’s


mobile number, the report said.  “I think Mr Pyne


has many questions to answer,” Mr Swan


told reporters in Canberra on Tuesday.  “The same standard that is being applied to Mr Slipper


ought to be applied to the opposition.”  Mr Slipper


has stood aside as Speaker until all the claims against him are resolved.  Mr Hunter Ashby’s


claim was filed in the Federal Court in Sydney on Friday, April 20.  Mr Pyne


told Sky News the following Sunday the first he knew of it was when he read about it in a newspaper.  Asked on the ABC’s 7.30 television program last week if there was evidence to suggest Mr Hunter Ashby


had received help from the coalition in preparing his court claim, Opposition Leader Tony Abbott


said: “Not that I’m aware of.”   Mr Swan


told reporters in Canberra on Tuesday that Mr Pyne


and Mr Abbott


must reveal all they knew about the matter.  “When you’ve listened to Mr Abbott’s


slippery answers about these questions, he has not answered the question about whether he had any knowledge of the Hunter Ashby



claim,” Mr Swan


said.  “He has not answered the question about the role any of his staff may have played in the events that have unfolded.  Comment was being sought from Mr Pyne.






Copyright 2012 The Fine Report



One picture is worth a thousand words…

Published on May 1, 2012,

Why is it so impossible to get facts through to certain people?


Perhaps this explains it in a nutshell:


“Fox New is biased! It is! Look, don’t argue with me — the story’s everywhere: on the news, NPR, PBS, it in the paper, it in a magazine, on the Huffington Post. I even heard Oprah talking about it. Are you one of those people getting your information from some right wing blog?  You’re crazy!


A corrupt news media coupled with a great many ignorant and indoctrinated citizens is a harbinger of very, very bad things to come.


It’s not even funny.













…maybe a little funny…



“He KILLS me!  HAS to be the funniest president yet.”

-Actor and political scholar, George Clooney




Hugo Chavez ‘puts his trust in Christ,’ as he heads to Cuba for more cancer treatment

Published on May 1, 2012,
Clutching a crucifix and holding back tears, Venezuela’s President Hugo Chavez appeared live on television for the first time in 17 days, saying he was counting on Christ for help as he returns to Cuba for more cancer treatment — the sixth time, since announcing in February he would require a third operation to remove a second tumor from his pelvic area. (“Or a second operation to remove a third tumor. I keep forgetting which,” said Chavez.)





“Hugo, Hugo, Hugo… What kind of dumbbell goes back five times to the same doctors who did him in on the first visit?  As you’ve come to realize, you will need a miracle now to save you. But as those amusing Americans you are so contemptuous of might say, ‘Don’t hold your breath…'”




“Greetings, Hugo. Didn’t think we’d remember your ‘Damn you, State of  Israel’  thing, did you?  I also heard you did to Venezuela the same thing those Cuban doctors did to your anus. But let’s get down to business: I understand you found the Havana heat unconfortable…”

THE TRANSCRIPT UNCOVERED: Brad Pitt Meeting V.P. Joe Biden in the White House

Published on April 30, 2012,

If you remember earlier this year, Brad Pitt went on a PR visit to the White House to meet with Barack Obama.  But there was a recording secretly made of a meeting that occurred with Vice President Biden, and The Fine Report has obtained it.


-US Vice President Joseph Biden. (Yes, that’s really is the Vice President of the United States.)


-Actor and political expert, Brad Pitt


Brad Pitt reports ‘great’ conversation with VP Biden

 02/06/12 03:20 PM ET


Biden: Charlie Sheen! Great to meet you. Glad to see you’re recovering.

Pitt: No, actually I’m Brad Pitt.

Biden: God love ya! Stand up and take a bow.

Pitt: I am standing.

Biden: What can I do for ya, young fella?

Pitt: I wanted to talk about low-income housing in the United States. I think it’s terrible.

Biden: I know – who the hell would want to live in one of those dumps. Why people do, I’ll never understand.

Pitt: I always heard it was because they can’t afford it.

Biden: I don’t know, it’s never really been explained to me.

Pitt: Say, I don’t know if you know this, but I have a passion for architecture.

Biden: So, you’re an architect?

Pitt: No, I’m an actor.

Biden: So what’s with the architecture thing?

Pitt: I want to help rebuild areas of New Orleans.

Biden: Did you ever hear of HUD?

Pitt: Yeah, that Paul Newman movie. I was thinking of doing a remake.

Biden: Who’s Paul Newman?

Pitt: An actor. Say, why are we exporting so much of our GDP to support this dependency on oil? Why are we polluting the environment? It just makes no sense to me anymore.

Biden: You gotta be kidding me.

Pitt: No, I’m serious.

Biden:  For one, your buddy Barack killed all oil exploration in the U.S. So we’re more dependent on foreign oil than ever. And who says we’re polluting the environment? Our factories are the cleanest in the world. Go talk to the China and India – they’re the only  giant economies in the world with absolutely no pollution controls. Man, you really must be an actor.

Pitt: You sure about this stuff?

Biden: Charlie, lemme give you a tip: just shut up and look pretty. Let your wife do the talking.

Pitt: — Brad

Biden: You’re wife’s name is “Brad?”



A scuffle has ensued between Pitt and Biden. The closest Secret Service nearby got up, zipped up his pants, and came between them. Cooler heads prevailed, and Biden and Pitt let by gones be by gones.




Biden: So what’d you think about meeting Barack?

Pitt: It was kinda awkward at first – you know, I don’t want to impose on a busy man.

Biden: Busy? He doesn’t do anything!

Pitt: Yeah, I noticed. Still, people were standing around him, were telling him what to do. I just looked around watching him check ‘yes/no’ boxes on forms. The rest of the time I just stared out the window.

Biden: Did you meet his wife?

Pitt: His wife? Was she there?

Biden: She was the only woman in the room.

Pitt: You mean –- that fat woman with the bad clothes?

Biden: That’s his wife.

Pitt: Damn. I thought she was with the cleaning crew.

Biden: Did you express any of your important concerns to the president?

Pitt: Well, for one thing, I was wondering if he finally stopped smoking.

Biden: Nah, he smokes like a chimney. So do I. You want a cigarette?

Pitt: Nah, I stopped when I stopped smoking pot.

Biden: Yeah, I heard you had a problem with the hard stuff.

Pitt: I got really sick of myself at the end of the 1990s. I was hiding out from the celebrity thing. I was laying on the couch smoking dope – among doing other things. I used to deal with my depression — that was last decade. This decade, I’m dealing with my stupidity. But I’m an Obama supporter, no question. It doesn’t mean there’s nothing to learn from the other side.” (Long pause)  What is the other side?… Mr. Biden? Mr. Biden?…

(Biden wakes up from having dozed off.)

Biden: Huh? — Sorry – did you want a cigarette?

Pitt: No thanks. You know, as for religion, I grew up very religious. But I don’t have a great relationship with religion. I oscillate between agnosticism and atheism.  To be honest, I keep forgetting which is which, so I keep having to ask my publicist. (Pitt laughs, shaking his head.) I do a lot oscillating… Mr. Biden? Mr. Biden?….

(Biden wakes up from dozing off again.)

Biden: Huh? — Sorry – did you want a cigarette?

Pitt: Yeah, what the hell. You got a light, too? (He looks around.) You know, it smells a lot better in there than it did in Obama’s office. You know… I didn’t want to say anything.

(Biden lights Pitt’s cigarette, and snorts)

Biden: You shoulda smelled his campaign plane. Say, you’re married, aren’t ya? That Jennifer girl.

Pitt: No, we weren’t married, must living togther. We’re not together now. I’m with a new woman. Angelina.

Biden: Nice name. But reminds me of the daugher of that right-wing actor Jon Voight:  dopey tattoos, a crazy lesbianism — and not to mention what I hear about her spreading her legs for half of Hollywood and Washington DC. A real slut, if you know what I mean. Talk about that actress taking a bow:  Whoo-woo!

Pitt: You’re talking about my wife goddamn it!

Biden  (laughs) Really? God love ya Charlie —

Before Biden can say anymore, Pitt jumps on him and another fight ensues.  The same Secret Service man as last time jumps up, zips up his pants and rushes over to break up the melee. Pitt is finally escorted out of the building.




Copyright 2012 The Fine Report



Shameless name dropping:

Published on April 29, 2012,








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