She’s smart. She’s sexy. She’s funny.
And now she’s ours. (In our hearts, anyway.)
The next president of the United States, Ted Cruz
Dear Warner Brothers,
Apparently there is more than one way of conquering a city and holding it as your own. For example, up to the time that we contemplated making this picture, I had no idea that the city of Casablanca belonged exclusively to Warner Brothers. However, it was only a few days after our announcement appeared that we received your long, ominous legal document warning us not to use the name Casablanca.
It seems that in 1471, Ferdinand Balboa Warner, your great-great-grandfather, while looking for a shortcut to the city of Burbank, had stumbled on the shores of Africa and, raising his alpenstock (which he later turned in for a hundred shares of common), named it Casablanca.
I just don’t understand your attitude. Even if you plan on releasing your picture, I am sure that the average movie fan could learn in time to distinguish between Ingrid Bergman and Harpo. I don’t know whether I could, but I certainly would like to try.
You claim that you own Casablanca and that no one else can use that name without permission. What about “Warner Brothers”? Do you own that too? You probably have the right to use the name Warner, but what about the name Brothers? Professionally, we were brothers long before you were. We were touring the sticks as the Marx Brothers when Vitaphone was still a gleam in the inventor’s eye, and even before there had been other brothers—the Smith Brothers; the Brothers Karamazov; Dan Brothers, an outfielder with Detroit; and “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?” (This was originally “Brothers, Can You Spare a Dime?” but this was spreading a dime pretty thin, so they threw out one brother, gave all the money to the other one, and whittled it down to “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime?”)
Now Jack, how about you? Do you maintain that yours is an original name? Well it’s not. It was used long before you were born. Offhand, I can think of two Jacks—Jack of “Jack and the Beanstalk,” and Jack the Ripper, who cut quite a figure in his day.
As for you, Harry, you probably sign your checks sure in the belief that you are the first Harry of all time and that all other Harrys are impostors. I can think of two Harrys that preceded you. There was Lighthouse Harry of Revolutionary fame and a Harry Appelbaum who lived on the corner of 93rd Street and Lexington Avenue. Unfortunately, Appelbaum wasn’t too well-known. The last I heard of him, he was selling neckties at Weber and Heilbroner.
Now about the Burbank studio. I believe this is what you brothers call your place. Old man Burbank is gone. Perhaps you remember him. He was a great man in a garden. His wife often said Luther had ten green thumbs. What a witty woman she must have been! Burbank was the wizard who crossed all those fruits and vegetables until he had the poor plants in such confused and jittery condition that they could never decide whether to enter the dining room on the meat platter or the dessert dish.
This is pure conjecture, of course, but who knows—perhaps Burbank’s survivors aren’t too happy with the fact that a plant that grinds out pictures on a quota settled in their town, appropriated Burbank’s name and uses it as a front for their films. It is even possible that the Burbank family is prouder of the potato produced by the old man than they are of the fact that your studio emerged “Casablanca” or even “Gold Diggers of 1931.”
This all seems to add up to a pretty bitter tirade, but I assure you it’s not meant to. I love Warners. Some of my best friends are Warner Brothers. It is even possible that I am doing you an injustice and that you, yourselves, know nothing about this dog-in-the-Wanger attitude. It wouldn’t surprise me at all to discover that the heads of your legal department are unaware of this absurd dispute, for I am acquainted with many of them and they are fine fellows with curly black hair, double-breasted suits and a love of their fellow man that out-Saroyans Saroyan.
I have a hunch that his attempt to prevent us from using the title is the brainchild of some ferret-faced shyster, serving a brief apprenticeship in your legal department. I know the type well—hot out of law school, hungry for success, and too ambitious to follow the natural laws of promotion. This bar sinister probably needled your attorneys, most of whom are fine fellows with curly black hair, double-breasted suits, etc., into attempting to enjoin us. Well, he won’t get away with it! We’ll fight him to the highest court! No pasty-faced legal adventurer is going to cause bad blood between the Warners and the Marxes. We are all brothers under the skin, and we’ll remain friends till the last reel of “A Night in Casablanca” goes tumbling over the spool.
Felony suspect, photographed seconds before he brutally attacked an innocent woman on a New York street.
Q: Why do big GOP donors keep donating to losers?
A: Maybe they don’t want a victory, because they could be then held accountable for their candidate’s shortcomings. So they play it safe, and still get to be big-shots with their money.
Q: Why do Barack and Michelle Obama hate America?
A: His parents and his childhood idol (Frank Marshall Davis) hated America. Parents and childhood idols have consequences. Also, Obama – like his wife — were handed everything out of pity. They never had to overcome any challenge, and were ridiculously rewarded for mediocrity. Being pandered to, they were made to feel even more inadequate, as both of them knew their own relatively low capabilities. (Though Barack Obama now believes his own press.) As a result, they hate ordinary people who succeed on their own, and without the adult wet-nursing both Obamas are still dependent on.
Q: Why are leftist college professors urging Obama to run for a third term?
A: Because they have trouble counting to two.
Q: How many times have the Obamas had sex?
A: Again, two.
Q: Are there people so horrified by the thought of a total fraud and closet communist named ‘Barack Hussein Obama’ being president of the United States that for the past 5 years that they have been shocked into a compete state of denial?
A: Wait a minute — Barack Obama is president?
Q: Will Barack and Michelle Obama be buried side-by-side?
A: Yes, if there are three gravesites available.
Q: Why are Barack Obama’s school records hidden?
A: Because they’d prove he’s an intellectual lightweight and an utter contrivance — and essentially Al Sharpton wit out da smell.
Q: Is Barack Obama gay?
A: Does Michelle Obama sh-t in the woods?
Q: Who is smarter, Bill Clinton or Barack Obama?
A: The question should be rephrased: Is there anybody other than Hillary Weiner Clinton that Barack Obama is smarter than?
Q: Does Hillary Weiner Clinton have trouble getting lesbian dates?
A: Yes. Most people, including lesbians, don’t like to be around a sloppy drunk.
Q: Is Valerie Jarrett really pulling the strings behind the scenes?
A: ‘Behind the scenes?’ Man, open your eyes: she’s come right out front.
Q: I read that an astrophysicist claimed that if Michelle Obama sat on your face, you’d be in a singularity. When would that singularity end?
A: When she got off.
Q: Is John Boehner really a cross-dresser?
A: Yes, Boehner goes about life dressed in men’s clothing.
Q: What does GOP Chairman ‘Greasey’ Prebus do?
A: Whatever the democrat media tells him to do.
Q: What does GOP House Majority Leader Eric Cantor do?
A: Other then sending out newsletters about himself, not much.
Q: Is there any upside at all to abortion?
A: Yes: population control of future criminals and democrat voters.
Q: Does Obama read The Fine Report?
A: Like any lame TV talking-head, Obama doesn’t read anything, except a slow-moving teleprompter. However, he does make decisions by checking boxes on papers given to him by his handlers. Don’t believe us? —
Q: Who wrote Obama’s two infamous books?
A: Terrorist William Ayers. He admitted so twice:
Q: Why do so many leftists want to legalize sex with children?
A: Because so many leftists want to have sex with children. Don’t believe us? —
-Democrat Senator Bob Menendez (NJ), suspect #1. Don’t believe us? —
Q: Is liberalism a cult?
A: Can you say, ‘Hollywood idiot?’
Q: Should I get a tattoo?
A: Only if you first have the image you want drawn onto a t-shirt, then wear that t-shirt every single day, no matter where you go, for a period of one year. After that year, if you’re not sick of the t-shirt, get yourself a tattoo. (Exception: if you’ve been sentenced to more than 50 years in prison.)
Q: Do tattoos fade over time?
A: Yes. As you age, they begin to blur. Tattoo ‘art’ you so proudly had etched into your young skin will soon morph into an ugly blob — a hairy one, too.
Q: Does tattoo removal really work?
A: Sorta. But in removing one scar, it creates another. Hurts like hell, too, and costs a fortune.
But it still might look better than the stupid, misspelled crap you had burned onto your body.
Q: Why do people tattoo their face?
A: Because they didn’t do our ‘one-year t-shirt experiment’ above, only with a mask wtih metal sh-t stuck all over it.
Q: How about a nose ring?
A: Sure — if you want to look like a pig.
Q: What prison will Obama spend the rest of his life in?
A: Hopefully Leavenworth. If not, then the prison of truth and history. (Unfortunately, we’ll be in there with him.) But there’s always hell.
Q: What has Hillary Wiener Clinton ever succeeded at in public life?
A: Not a thing, other than embarrassing herself. After law school, the ‘smartest woman in America’ failed the Bar exam. She did eventually become a lawyer, but never managed to practice beyond what bones her husband Bill tossed her. (Can you say, ‘Michelle Obama?’) Clinton eventually was the wife of a president, and became a hack elected to one-term in the Senate. While there, she failed to sponsor a single piece of legislation. She later failed to win against a complete unknown in the 2008 Democrat presidential primary. Still later, went on to be the most disastrous and most profoundly pathetic Secretary of State in U.S. history. However, she did succeed as a magician, disappearing from the public eye by having ‘emergency brain surgery’ just as the murderous Benghazi scandal she caused broke wide open. Apparently Clinton’s only consistent success has been in maintaining, among uninformed people and cultists the contrivance of her being competent to do anything except embarrass herself.
Q: What is Barack Obama’s favorite animal?
A: Michelle Obama.
Q: Why is it that Barack Hussein Obama, Eric Holder and Hillary Weiner Clinton are the only public figures in United States history photographed picking their noses in public?
A: Because they regularly pick their nose, and apparently forgot, or didn’t care, that they were being photographed. In other words they’re people who habitually pick their noses. Psychologists explain that nose pickers are people who feel so much suppressed rage and fury that they pick at the contents of their noses, even when doing so causes pain and embarrassment– which leads to more rage and fury. Similarly, Michelle Obama was photographed in public picking at her crotch. But some people dig in their noses and crotches in public simply because they’re slobs. So take your pick. (Great having a rage-filled slobs as president, attorney general and secretary of state and first lady, isn’t?)
Don’t believe us? —
Q: Does Barack Obama ever think to himself, “Holy Sh-t, I can’t believe I’m president of the United States.”
A: We think the same thing. So why not him?
Q: Do the Obamas sleep in the same bed?
A: Yes, the White House bed is so large, there is still room for Barack in the lower left corner.
Q: What is Michelle Obama’s favorite food?
Q: If Michelle Obama was a dictator, who would she have shot?
A: Anyone trying to eat when she does.
Q: Whatever happened to CNN’s Fareed Zakaria?
A: After CNN’s in-house Jew-hating anti-American bastard (and Obama buddy) got exposed as a plagiarist, he went into hiding. He and CNN are still waiting for enough people to forget he is a fraud before returning him to the airwaves to spew more anti-American and anti-Semitic hate and propaganda.
Q: What is John Boehner greatest fear?
A: Not being able to find the key to his liquor cabinet.
Q: Seriously. What is another great fear of Boehner?
A: That he will lose the key to his liquor cabinet a second time.
Q: Why do gays seem to align themselves with leftists?
A: Gays are communal in nature. Imagine being able to walk into a room full of people and potentially being able to share just about anything among them, including intimacy. But then, there is Obama propagandist Creepy Jim Messina, who is as probably as sex-deprived as Michelle Obama.
Q: Why did the Obama campaign plane smell so bad?
A: Because the Obamas were in charge of it.
Q: Is Ted Cruz for real?
Q: And Marco Rubio?
A: Yes, he is for real: a real putz.
Q: What shouldn’t I buy on ebay?
A: Used condoms, tissues or toilet paper.
Q: What should I buy on Amazon.com?
A: Any book purportedly written by Barack Obama, because it will make great toilet paper come Armageddon — and they’re easier to store then the rolled type of tissue.
Q: If you guys had your wish, what would Obama’s permanent presidential portrait be?
A: Of him picking his nose at a press conference.
Q: Would Mitt Romney have made a good president?
A: Mittens Romney would have made as good a president as John Boehner is making as House Squeaker. Mittens would have simply bent-over as the corrupt democrat media propaganda machine shoved lies up his ass in attempts to destroy him. He would have left us with the same perception of Republican idiocy as George W. Bush did – which, by the way, gave us ‘Barack Hussein Obama’ and a generation of idiots we now known as ‘millennials.’
Q: What’s the best line these days to say to any girl to get her to have freaky sex with a complete stranger?
Q: What if “hello” doesn’t work?
A: “Hello, I’m a millionaire.”
Q: What should happen to Lois Lerner after the IRS scandal?
A: She should be picked by her up by her ankles, and used to beat the crap out of Barack Obama and Valerie Jarrett and every Democrat and RINO in Congress.
Q: Will we survive the next three years of an Obama presidency?
A: Maybe. Maybe not. One thing’s for sure: our nation will never be the same in our lifetimes. Depending on how hard we support the Tea Party to push back against the leftist onslaught headed by Obama/Jarrett and enabled by corrupt GOP hacks entrenched in the Republican leadership, we just might survive as a republic. But every second Obama remains in high office, our nation is being sabotaged from within. That said, with Obama and Valerie Jarrett and Democrats out of the power, things can only get better. An urgent goal to work towards.
Q: Can Obama realistically be impeached?
A: Absolutely. As far-fetched as that sounds, remember how far-fetched it was to imagine him becoming president of the United States?
Q: Why is the media corrupt?
A: Because it’s made up of vain, lazy people who are bought-off easily and cheaply.
Q: Who is Katie Couric going to work for next?
A: Who cares?
Q: How do you guys know so much?
A: We read The Fine Report.
Stockholm Syndrome* suffer, John McCain