by Sasha Brown-Stain
What sexual things should everyone experience before they die? Ninety percent of these can be done in the context of a loving, safe marriage. The rest, alas, I will have to leave to the single gals among us. But here is a list of 69 sexual must-dos before you die.
- Kiss a girl
- Kiss a frog
- Have anal
- Have anal with Charles Schumer
- Have a threesome
- Have a threesome with Al Sharpton and Michelle Obama
- Engage in group sex
- Engage in group therapy
- Have phone sex
- Have sex with the phone
- Buy a masturbation toy
- Buy a masturbation toy using your Mastercard
- Masturbate using a vibrator
- Masturbate by riding a lawnmower
- Masturbate using a rolled-up copy of the Bill of Rights
- Masturbate using a rolled-up copy of all 2,700 pages of Obamacare
- Be tied up
- Tie someone up
- Tie someone up and beat the @#$% out of them
- Have sex in a public space
- Have sex in jail after you’re arrested for having sex in a public place
- Be a voyeur and watch others having sex
- Get shot because you watched others having sex through their window
- Sex with a morbidly obese person
- Go down on Chris Christie
- Try going up on Chris Christie
- Sex in a car
- Sex at a drive-in
- Sex at Jiffy Lube
- Sex in the police car on your way to jail
- Light spanking
- Spanking with a 2×4
- Sex in the bathtub
- Sex in the garbage disposal
- Sex standing up against your office cubicle
- Sex on your office cubicle, after you’ve knocked it down
- Sex in the pitch black
- Sex with a pitch black
- If you’re pitch black, sex with a cracka
- Send a nude photo to Anthony Weiner
- Send a nude photo to Bill Clinton
- Send a nude photo to Hillary Weiner Clinton
- Sex in broad daylight
- Sex with a broad
- Sex in a tent in the wilderness
- Sex with the bear you woke up that has now come to kill you
- Watch porn together
- Make porn together
- Explain to your children why you made porn together, after their friends discover it on the Internet and humiliate them into a mental institution
- Finally learn to give yourself multiple orgasms
- Finally learn multiplication
- Frederick’s of Hollywood lingerie sex
- Sex with Fredrick
- Sex someone much older
- Sex with a corpse, Nancy Pelosi or John Boehner
- Sex with Barack Obama, Eric Holder or Hillary Clinton while they pick their nose
- Sex in the ocean while people swim all around you
- Explaining to everyone why you are a convicted sex offender because you had sex in the ocean while people swam around you
- Use KY jelly on a partner’s orifice
- Use naval jelly on a partner’s orifice
- Sex while on drugs
- Sex after a concussion
- Sex with a serial killer
- Sex with cereal
- Learn to orgasm in less than five minutes
- Learn to orgasm at baseball games
- Learn to orgasm at funerals
- Have sex in a full house
- And again, explain to people for the rest of your life why you are a convicted sex offender for having sex in a full house
