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Ayumi Morita win gives Japan berth in Tennis’ Fed Cup World Group

Published on April 25, 2012,

It will be the first time since 2007 that Japan will be in the elite eight-team World Group.


Ayumi Morit:

(pretty cute, huh?)





2nd Worst President in U.S. History: “I’d be comfortable with a Mitt Romney presidency.”

Published on April 25, 2012,

Says Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter:

“I would be “comfortable with a Mitt Romney presidency.

What country is he dictator of now?”




“You can call me ‘Numero Uno.'”



NY Times: Saudi Officials Admit Inbreeding is a Huge Problem Among Muslims

Published on April 25, 2012,

A story from the liars at the New York Times. Is it true?

(Could this be why most Saudis choose Friday night for most family gatherings?)



Saudi Arabia Awakes to the Perils of Inbreeding


Across the Arab world today an average of 45 percent of married couples are related, according to Dr. Nadia Sakati, a pediatrician and senior consultant for the genetics research center at King Faisal Specialist Hospital in Riyadh.

In some parts of Saudi Arabia, particularly in the south, where Mrs. Hefthi was raised, the rate of marriage among blood relatives ranges from 55 to 70 percent, among the highest rates in the world, according to the Saudi government.

Widespread inbreeding in Saudi Arabia has produced several genetic disorders, Saudi public health officials said, including the blood diseases of thalassemia, a potentially fatal hemoglobin deficiency, and sickle cell anemia. Spinal muscular atrophy and diabetes are also common, especially in the regions with the longest traditions of marriage between relatives. Dr. Sakati said she had also found links between inbreeding and deafness and muteness.

Saudi health authorities, well aware of the enormous social and economic costs of marriage between family members, have quietly debated what to do for decades, since before Mrs. Hefthi was married 23 years ago. Now, for the first time, the government, after starting a nationwide educational campaign to inform related couples who intend to marry of the risk of genetic disease, is planning to require mandatory blood tests before marriage and premarital counseling.

Health officials and genetic researchers here say there is no way to stop inbreeding in this deeply conservative Muslim society, where marrying within the family is a tradition that goes back hundreds of years.

Today, when most unions are still arranged by parents, marrying into wealth and influence often means marrying a relative. Social lives are so restricted that it is virtually impossible for men and women to meet one another outside the umbrella of an extended family. Courtships without parental supervision are rare.

Among more educated Saudis, marrying relatives has become less common and younger generations have begun to pull away from the practice. But for the vast majority, the tradition is still deeply embedded in Saudi culture.

Statistics on the prevalence of genetically based diseases and the extent to which they are a direct result of marriage between close relatives — second cousins or closer — are scarce or unreliable because many Saudi parents raise their disabled children in obscurity, ashamed to seek services.

That has begun to change as more programs intended to educate disabled children open in Saudi Arabia, where there were almost none until a decade ago. Genetic research is emerging here and several projects have recently begun in an effort to document the connection between inbreeding and disease and to quantify the prevalence of the diseases.

In the case of spinal muscular atrophy, if both parents are carriers of the gene, the couple has a 25 percent chance of having a child with the disease — or one in four children. The percentage regrettably turned out to be much higher for Mrs. Hefthi and her husband, with four out of their seven children afflicted.





But remember the dangers still inherent in outbreeding (or the act thereof):


Image courtesy of Peoplescube.com


“People have to breed first in order to find out if they’re inbreeding. How else could they tell?”

-Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (D, CA), and the U.S. Speaker of the House at the time the Obamacare  law was passed.



More Illegal Immigrants Now Leaving U.S. Than Entering

Published on April 25, 2012,
In a potentially historic shift, more illegal immigrants and  now leaving the U.S. than entering. Factors contributing to the trend include the greatest decline in jobs on the U.S. side of the border since the Great Recession of the 1930s.


 An illegal immigrant, spotted at the border fence, waves goodbye to America:  “This place has become a  hell-hole since 2008, all 57 states.  Get out while you can, before the riots.'” All he took with him from his former adopted country were the clothes on his back, a number to a Swiss bank account, and a pocketful of dog treats.



The man ceremonially placed a writing on the U.S. side of the border jus before disappearing over the fence.





Hello to Our International Community of Friends

Published on April 25, 2012,

Looking at our stats, we see the many people visiting us from outside the United States, including a hooker from Columbia who says one of us here owes her $30.00 (don’t worry baby, the check is in the mail).


So hello to all of you — and welcome!


Coming Attractions!

Published on April 25, 2012,


Do The White Thing: The Exclusive FineReport Interview with Spike Lee!


Stay tuned….


Alternate-Reality-Speak: the Use of the “Big Lie”

Published on April 25, 2012,


Debbie Whatshername Schultz: ‘Very likely’ GOP to lose House; blames Tea Party



The Professor Speaks:

“Whatshername Schultz is using a technique known as ‘the big lie,’ a propaganda technique created by Adolph Hitler, when he wrote his book Mein Kampf. Hitler mused about the use of a lie so “colossal” that no one would believe that someone “could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.”  This technique works quite well among ignorant people, stupid people, and, people who are willfully ignorant, including people who are indoctrinated, willingly or otherwise. But the technique is known to backfire, subjecting the liar to public ridicule and scorn, and ultimately damaging the very cause the liar is advocating for.


“So there you have it:  the head of the Democrat party in the United States, likely at the direction of your president, Barack Obama, using the propaganda techniques of one of this century’s most prolific mass-murders in his rise to dictatorial power.  Pretty scary stuff, huh? But scarier if the news media lets her get away with the lie, which they seem not only bent on doing, but actually participating in it. So it is up to you, fellow citizens: fight for your freedom, or don’t complain when you lose it. In fact, if you do complain when you lose it, you will likely wind up in a concentration camp, or dead — or both.”



“I’m still looking for that purple sticky-note I misplaced, so if anyone finds it, please let me know.  Until next time, everybody.”



Copyright 2012 The Fine Report



April 24th: This Day In Shopping History

Published on April 25, 2012,

Illinois Man Became First Costco Shopper in History to Leave One of Its Stores Without Spending Over $100.00:

On April 24th, 2009, Peter J. Franklin exited a Costco store, spending only $98.43, the first customer in the store’s history to break the $100.00 barrier.


Asked how he did it, Franklin said, “I was just driving by, and remembered I needed ketchup, so I  stopped in. I bought a twelve-gallon two-pack, but couldn’t resist buying seventy-five dollars worth of toothbrushes because there was an instant two-dollar rebate. Funny how a little thing like a rebate can allow you to make history.  Most of the toothbrushes are still in my car, because I can’t find a place in my apartment for them. All my cabinet space is taken up by the ketchup.”



Copyright 2012 The Fine Report





Published on April 25, 2012,

He hasn’t gotten it right yet. Though he is getting close:

– Paul Newman, giving the ‘con man salute’ in the 1973 film, The Sting”





Anonymous Saturday Night Live producer: “I keep telling you this, but there is simply nothing about this man to laugh at. I submit he is the first ‘comedy-proof president.'”



Copyright 2012 The Fine Report



CREEPING CRETINISM: Obama’s NASA Administrator: “foremost” mission is to improve relations with the Muslim world

Published on April 25, 2012,
Space: the final frontier. These are the NASA voyages of the starship Obama. Its four-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldenly go where no man has gone before — and improve relations with Muslims.


United States National Aeronautics and Space Administrator Charles ‘Boldenly’ Bolden said in a recent interview that his “foremost” mission as the head of America’s space exploration agency is to improve relations with the Muslim world. He said his “five” and “sixmost” NASA missions are to investigate the Zimmerman case.

– NASA Administrator,  Charles ‘Boldenly’ Bolden, Cretin First Class

“The problem has been, we just can’t find any Muslims in space. We’ve been looking everywhere. We looked on the Moon, we looked on Venus, we looked on Jupiter, but nothing. We even looked on Pluto, and thought we spotted an Israeli settlement  up there, but it turned out to be something else. Maybe some Muslims are hiding under the ice on on one of them moons around Saturn, you never know. If Barack says to keep looking, we’ll keep looking. He’s the boss.”





Published on April 24, 2012,

Not all is bad at the TSA. Despite discovering 743 transvestites, 19,249 enlarged prostates, 209,351 breast implants (how can that be an odd number?), 27,298 colon problems, 3 natural blonds — yet no terrorists — it is assuring to know at least some traveling celebs are finding good things to say about their experience at the hands, literally, of the TSA. But not others.


 “I got a security ‘patdown’ by a woman at the airport that left no doubt about her sexual preferences. It’s great to see people so publicly confident in their sexuality. I later found her number in my panties.”
– Supermodel Bar Refaeli



“I was making the best out of an uncomfortable situation by making faces and acting like I was having a great time. But I was not. Perhaps if they used some kind of lubricant, I would have had at least a ‘good’ time. And they told me that ‘if I don’t wipe that grin off my face,’ next time they’ll ‘take me aside,’ whatever that means.”
-Actress Jennifer Hudson



DHS Chief Janet Napolitano, somewhat sensitive to recent criticism of TSA digital manipulation (‘we live in a digital age, get over it’), is shown field-testing a new groin and cavity search device. Asked what it was called, she said, ‘we call it a Take-aside.’


-Napolitano, shown with the ‘Take-aside



“This whole TSA group is bullshit! These are the kind of people  that would  %$@# a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.  Though that ‘Take-aside’ has possiblities”




‘I begged that same woman who searched Bar Refaeli to search me. But all of a sudden she put on a hazmat suit and big rubber gloves and a respirator. So I refused to get on the plane, and flew in the wheel-well instead.’
 -Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi




Obama Tweets

Published on April 24, 2012,
Just realized the United Kingdom and Great Britain may be the same place.  This could save significant travel time.



Published on April 24, 2012,

Our email is:



Attention Spike Lee: Our  address remains 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington DC.


Att: US Secret Service: If there is any Ted Nugent-like issues regarding this post, please be advised we met with the following agent, below — very closely, in fact (that’s me wearing the silver suit), and we cleared the air:




Live since Sunday, and 45,000 visits (we finally ran out of silverware)

Published on April 24, 2012,

TheFineReport.com has been live since Sunday night (April 24, 2012), and has received 45,000 visits so far, from all over the world, and even one from Venus (we were told the weather is not good).

With you reading this, that makes 45,001.

Thank you for visiting, and please return. Any comments or suggestions, please contact us at editor@thefinereport.com. thefinereport@gmail.com.

If you are Barack Obama, please contact us at sales@CaviarCanine.com.

If you are visitor number 45,002, congratulations: there is no one else like you in the world, nor will there ever be.

If you are Spike Lee, our address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC and we enjoy rotten tomatoes being thrown at us when we come and go.  Our phone number is 202-456-1414, and we appreciate calls very late at night, and very early in the morning. And we’d appreciate if you would write this information on the walls of every public toilet you ever happen to find yourself in.

If you are visitor number 45,003, you ought to get together with visitors 45,001 and 45,002 and start a club of some kind. Remember, there is no one else like you in the world. As Jesse Jackson might say (besides “My son did not conspire with Blago to steal!”), “You are 45,002! You are 45,003!”



Chutzpah: Killing your parents, then complaining you’re an orphan

Published on April 24, 2012,

NY Times reporters panic about losing financial benefits after willfully destroying the paper’s only value: it’s reputation



 A recent example:



New York Times Softball League

Published on April 23, 2012,

“Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.”

– Benjamin Franklin


With the proverbial horse out of the barn:


The Sunday Review

 “A Hard Look at the President”

“The warm afterglow of Mr. Obama’s election, the collateral effects of liberal-minded feature writers — these can be overcome by hard-nosed, unbiased political reporting now.”





The tragedy is that the damage to the reputation of what was once American’s ‘newspaper of record,’ is permanent.


But the damage to our nation because of the New York Times’ admittedly negligent and false reporting is a far greater tragedy, and one that has yet to fully manifest.


“Catch, ‘Barack,’ whoever you are!  Here comes another question from The New York Times!”





Published on April 23, 2012,


Buffet:  “What the hell’s the matter with you? How did you get this all wrong? What was so hard? It’s all right here on page two! — Underlined! – And in big type! Don’t you read any of this crap I send you? And sit still, for God’s sake  — what do you, have a golf tee up your ass? And set your watch – it’s not even on the right time! You’d better start listening to me, you idiot: I’m not your ‘John Boehner.’ I am Warren Buffet, dammit. When I give you a rule, you get that rule straight! Understand?”


Obama: “Okay, okay — but I just don’t get all the percentage things. You know I’m not good at math.”


Buffet: “Just what the hell are you good at? You’re killing me! The whole country’s laughing at this. I lost half my hair since we stuck you in office. Listen to me, you Bill Ayers, Alinsky dumbbell: if you can’t keep my words straight from now on, don’t open your mouth unless you’re reading from a teleprompter. Got it? Don’t open your  mouth. And tell that Hitler-lookalike Axelrod to keep his mouth shut, too. I have yet to met anyone as stupid as the two of you seem to think most people are.”


Obama: Okay, okay. Can I go now?





Published on April 23, 2012,

You have to see this to believe it:


American Professors Gather in Tehran for Occupy Wall Street Conference






Axelrod: “President is Apoplectic About GSA Spending Scandal” (continuing):

Published on April 23, 2012,

“Aplopoplectric….  Aropolplectic….  Apopopopoplecic….  Alopiplectic…..  Appopoplecric…..”



“Still nothing to make fun of. It is truly historic.”

 -The cast and crew of….


1 in 2 New Graduates Are Jobless or Underemployed — the Remainder Are ‘Artists,’ Who Will Never Be Employed

Published on April 23, 2012,

“Sorry for laughing, but that first real lesson in economics is always such a doozie. I’ve got an even better one planned for November 3rd.”
















Published on April 23, 2012,

Says photo editor:

“I sat on my glasses earlier that day, and got the pictures confused. Man, looking at him now, this kid really got hit by the ‘ugly stick.’ At first, I thought he was Al Sharpton. I mean, we did once do an issue on Sharpton. It’s easy to mix these things up. I mean, we do a cover every month. What else can I say, but, ‘oops.'”



“See — I TOLD you we did a cover with Sharpton. (Is this the same guy that’s on MSNBC? Nah, can’t be. Can it?)”

“Oh my God — is this the same guy our president pals around with??”



“Wait a minute  — so then who is this guy?”




Axelrod claims Obama “apoplectic” about GSA spending. But here’s how their conversation really went…

Published on April 22, 2012,

The scene: Obama advisor David Axelrod spoke with Obama at 2PM, the end of Obama’s work day. This conversation would have taken place earlier in the day, but Axelrod arrived at 10:30AM, a half hour before Obama normally comes down from the White House living quarters.


Axelrod: Barack, I’m going on TV tomorrow and claim you’re apoplectic about the GSA scandal. I’ll just say the usual, you know, we’re saving money by spending money, blah, blah, blah.

Obama: Okay.

Axelrod: Do you have any questions?

Obama: No.

Axelrod: You sure?

Obama: Yeah.

Axelrod: Positive?

Obama: Yeah.

Axelrod: C’mon – think.

(Obama thinks. Then…)

Obama: What’s ‘apolo…’ mean?

Axelrod: Apoplectic. It means you’re very upset. Like, crazy upset.

Obama: I’m not upset at all.

Axelrod: I’m going to claim you are. Highly upset.

Obama: About what?

Axelrod: About the whole GSA scandal.

Obama: What scandal? Another scandal?

Axelrod: You know, the thing about them going to Vegas.

Obama: But I told Americans not to go to Vegas.

Axelrod: This is different. They went to Vegas for government work, but got a little too frisky. ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?’ Not this time.

Obama: What do you mean, ‘what happens in Vegas?’

Axelrod: It’s an expression – a marketing idea.

Obama: I don’t understand.

Axelrod: — So people come to Vegas and get crazy and spend money on debauchery.

(Long pause.)

Axelrod: I see a question building.

Obama: What’s debauchery?

Axelrod: It means to get crazy with sex.

Obama: Why, what’d they do?

Axelrod: They partied and got laid, but on the government dime. Worse, they got caught.

Obama: Who knows about this?

Axelrod: Everybody. It’s a big scandal. Issa’s even talking about it. That’s why I gotta go on TV.

Obama: Damn. Does this mean I can’t play golf today?

Axelrod: I’d lay off for the week. Wait till the GSA thing blows over a bit.

Obama: What’s the GSA?

Axelrod: It’s the focus of the scandal – the General Services Administration!

Obama: Oh them. Yeah, I can see where I’d be apop… apop….

Axelrod: Apoplectic.

(Long pause…)

Axelrod: Question?

Obama: …What’s the General Services Administration do?

Axelrod: It’s an agency that buys everything for the government. And also manages a few things here and there.

Obama: So just to be sure, in case anybody asks me: I’m apopo…

Axelrod: — Apoplectic.

Obama: — I’m apopoplectric because…

Axelrod: — Because they partied in Vegas on government money.

(Obama thinks.)

Obama: Who?

Axelrod: The GSA!

Obama: So I’m mad the GSA partied in Vegas.

Axelrod: Apoplectic.

Obama: Why do you keep using that word!

Axelrod: It makes you sound more intelligent and more thoughtful about things.

Obama: Just make sure it’s written big on the teleprompter. I don’t want to go through another ‘corpseman’ thing.

Axelrod: What the hell’s a ‘corpseman?’

Obama: I don’t know! I thought it meant a guy in the military.

Axelrod: No, that’s a ‘corpsman.’

Obama: So there’ no ‘p’?

Axelrod: No, there’s a ‘p.’ But it’s silent.

Obama: Do me a favor: on the teleprompter, don’t use letters that are silent, okay? Just leave them out.

Axelrod: There are no silent letters in apoplectic, you don’t have to worry.

Obama: Are there any silent letters in ‘golf?’

Axelrod: No. Why?

Obama: (shrugs) Never know when it might come up.

(Axelrod heads for the door)

Axelrod: Okay. Tomorrow first thing, I’ll tell what’s going on with the Secret Service.

Obama: Not before eleven.

Axelrod: I wouldn’t think of it.

(Long pause. Axelrod stops, looks back at Obama)

Axelrod: Question?

Obama: Is something going on with the Secret Service?

Axelrod: (As he walks out the door) Tomorrow, 11AM… What I wouldn’t give right now to be the head writer on Saturday Night Live.

Obama: …What?

Axelrod: Nothing!



Alternative-reality-speak: Axelrod Warns GOP Will Bankrupt U.S., Not Obama

Published on April 22, 2012,

After Barack Obama puts the nation 5 trillion  dollars in debt in his first term, Obama advisor David Axelrod re-defines reality for the ignorant, the corrupt and the indoctrinated.

The “Buffet Rule,” claims Axelrod:

1- will relieve the $5,000,000.000,000.00 budget debt created by Obama by a possible .0094%;

2- despite encouraging class warfare and targeting the nation’s most successful investors, it will somehow manage to encourage them to invest further in the U.S. instead of foreign markets;

3- will cure cancer;

4- stop global warming; and

5- temporarily relieve itching associated with minor cuts, prickly heat, rashes and insect bites.

Axelrod now, and purportedly from his early days at the University of Chicago:




Hard Time: Mike Tyson impregnated guard while in prison

Published on April 22, 2012,

–  Baby did not surivive childbirth;

– Was to be named “481649 Tyson, Jr.;

– Now, Tyson says he is reformed and lives a sober, vegan lifestyle, precluding all sex with prison guards or frozen vegetables.



MSNBC Host Martin Bashir Condemns Mitt Romney to Hell; Cites Book of Mormon

Published on April 22, 2012,

The rant:

“Which brings us to the moral codes of Mormonism that Mr. Romney claims to live by,” Bashir said. “In Section 63, in verse 17 of the Doctrine and Covenants of the Mormon Church we find this: ‘All liars, and whosoever loveth and and maketh a lie, and the whoremonger, and the sorcerer, shall have their part in that lake which burneth with fire and brimstone which is the second death.’ And from the Book of Mormon to Nephi, Chapter 2, Verse 34 we find this: ‘Woe unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell.’” And based on Bashir’s interpretation, he said Romney can either win the White House and be condemned to “eternal damnation,” or just tell the truth.

– Bashir to begin shock therapy and associated medication; MSNBC extends contract;


– Claims having sex with Mike Tyson in prison during prison visit — cites ‘Book of Love;’


– Psychiatrists give Bashir same odds for recovery that Mitt Romney has in going to hell;


– Tyson gives him 1,000,000 to 1, with advice to ‘run like a motherf— ‘


– God weighs in: “These people are nuts. I simply stopped watching MSNBC, and get my news elsewhere.  And speaking of hell…”



Former Canadian Prime Minister: Presidents Must Choose Accomplishment or Popularity

Published on April 22, 2012,


Or, neither:

Obama’s Approval Rating Remains at Term-Low 41%




PRELUDE TO CIVIL WAR – The Sun Has Finally Set: Islamic Law Now Binding In Britain

Published on April 22, 2012,

 -Britain Adopts Islamic Law; Islamic Courts Now Have Full Power

– UNPRECEDENTED: 3% of Population Now Has Separate Civil Law

(Only 2% of a population, if completely dedicated, is generally thought the minimum number required to wage a successful revolution)




Hugo Chavez Missing – End Feared Near

Published on April 22, 2012,

– Multiple Botched Cancer Treatments Puts His Endorsement of Cuban Health Care System On Hold

– Confides to family: “I don’t know which is worse  — that I didn’t go to a Jewish doctor in New York in the first place, or that my last living photograph is me wearing this hat.”





Published on April 22, 2012,


 The Professor Weighs In:

“That’s titantically stupid. Why don’t they just mine for energy right under their feet? There’s a whole planet, with an infinite source of heat in its core. Even our nearby moon has infinite energy resources in the form of a substance called O3 that covers the surface to great depths and is regularly replenished by radiation from the sun. Between these three narcissistic men, they have too much money and made too many movies”


“And has anybody seen a purple sticky-note I misplaced? I’ve been looking all over for it.”



NBC Announces: Saturday Night Live Will Not Be Funny Until Romney Is Elected President

Published on April 21, 2012,

“With Barack Obama in the White house, there is simply no one in the administration to make fun of. It’s been a very frustrating few years. On the other hand, if Romney is elected, there will be limitless material. Romney is funny, you see. The Obamas? I mean, there is just nothing that lends itself to parody.”

– Anonymous NBC producer




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