“Sorry for laughing, but that first real lesson in economics is always such a doozie. I’ve got an even better one planned for November 3rd.”
The scene: Obama advisor David Axelrod spoke with Obama at 2PM, the end of Obama’s work day. This conversation would have taken place earlier in the day, but Axelrod arrived at 10:30AM, a half hour before Obama normally comes down from the White House living quarters.
Axelrod: Barack, I’m going on TV tomorrow and claim you’re apoplectic about the GSA scandal. I’ll just say the usual, you know, we’re saving money by spending money, blah, blah, blah.
Axelrod: Do you have any questions?
Axelrod: You sure?
Axelrod: C’mon – think.
(Obama thinks. Then…)
Obama: What’s ‘apolo…’ mean?
Axelrod: Apoplectic. It means you’re very upset. Like, crazy upset.
Obama: I’m not upset at all.
Axelrod: I’m going to claim you are. Highly upset.
Obama: About what?
Axelrod: About the whole GSA scandal.
Obama: What scandal? Another scandal?
Axelrod: You know, the thing about them going to Vegas.
Obama: But I told Americans not to go to Vegas.
Axelrod: This is different. They went to Vegas for government work, but got a little too frisky. ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?’ Not this time.
Obama: What do you mean, ‘what happens in Vegas?’
Axelrod: It’s an expression – a marketing idea.
Obama: I don’t understand.
Axelrod: — So people come to Vegas and get crazy and spend money on debauchery.
Axelrod: I see a question building.
Obama: What’s debauchery?
Axelrod: It means to get crazy with sex.
Obama: Why, what’d they do?
Axelrod: They partied and got laid, but on the government dime. Worse, they got caught.
Obama: Who knows about this?
Axelrod: Everybody. It’s a big scandal. Issa’s even talking about it. That’s why I gotta go on TV.
Obama: Damn. Does this mean I can’t play golf today?
Axelrod: I’d lay off for the week. Wait till the GSA thing blows over a bit.
Obama: What’s the GSA?
Axelrod: It’s the focus of the scandal – the General Services Administration!
Obama: Oh them. Yeah, I can see where I’d be apop… apop….
Obama: …What’s the General Services Administration do?
Axelrod: It’s an agency that buys everything for the government. And also manages a few things here and there.
Obama: So just to be sure, in case anybody asks me: I’m apopo…
Axelrod: — Apoplectic.
Obama: — I’m apopoplectric because…
Axelrod: — Because they partied in Vegas on government money.
Axelrod: The GSA!
Obama: So I’m mad the GSA partied in Vegas.
Obama: Why do you keep using that word!
Axelrod: It makes you sound more intelligent and more thoughtful about things.
Obama: Just make sure it’s written big on the teleprompter. I don’t want to go through another ‘corpseman’ thing.
Axelrod: What the hell’s a ‘corpseman?’
Obama: I don’t know! I thought it meant a guy in the military.
Axelrod: No, that’s a ‘corpsman.’
Obama: So there’ no ‘p’?
Axelrod: No, there’s a ‘p.’ But it’s silent.
Obama: Do me a favor: on the teleprompter, don’t use letters that are silent, okay? Just leave them out.
Axelrod: There are no silent letters in apoplectic, you don’t have to worry.
Obama: Are there any silent letters in ‘golf?’
Axelrod: No. Why?
Obama: (shrugs) Never know when it might come up.
(Axelrod heads for the door)
Axelrod: Okay. Tomorrow first thing, I’ll tell what’s going on with the Secret Service.
Obama: Not before eleven.
Axelrod: I wouldn’t think of it.
(Long pause. Axelrod stops, looks back at Obama)
Obama: Is something going on with the Secret Service?
Axelrod: (As he walks out the door) Tomorrow, 11AM… What I wouldn’t give right now to be the head writer on Saturday Night Live.
1- will relieve the $5,000,000.000,000.00 budget debt created by Obama by a possible .0094%;
2- despite encouraging class warfare and targeting the nation’s most successful investors, it will somehow manage to encourage them to invest further in the U.S. instead of foreign markets;
3- will cure cancer;
4- stop global warming; and
5- temporarily relieve itching associated with minor cuts, prickly heat, rashes and insect bites.
“Which brings us to the moral codes of Mormonism that Mr. Romney claims to live by,” Bashir said. “In Section 63, in verse 17 of the Doctrine and Covenants of the Mormon Church we find this: ‘All liars, and whosoever loveth and and maketh a lie, and the whoremonger, and the sorcerer, shall have their part in that lake which burneth with fire and brimstone which is the second death.’ And from the Book of Mormon to Nephi, Chapter 2, Verse 34 we find this: ‘Woe unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell.’” And based on Bashir’s interpretation, he said Romney can either win the White House and be condemned to “eternal damnation,” or just tell the truth.