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Published on April 23, 2012,

You have to see this to believe it:


American Professors Gather in Tehran for Occupy Wall Street Conference






Axelrod: “President is Apoplectic About GSA Spending Scandal” (continuing):

Published on April 23, 2012,

“Aplopoplectric….  Aropolplectic….  Apopopopoplecic….  Alopiplectic…..  Appopoplecric…..”



“Still nothing to make fun of. It is truly historic.”

 -The cast and crew of….


1 in 2 New Graduates Are Jobless or Underemployed — the Remainder Are ‘Artists,’ Who Will Never Be Employed

Published on April 23, 2012,

“Sorry for laughing, but that first real lesson in economics is always such a doozie. I’ve got an even better one planned for November 3rd.”
















Published on April 23, 2012,

Says photo editor:

“I sat on my glasses earlier that day, and got the pictures confused. Man, looking at him now, this kid really got hit by the ‘ugly stick.’ At first, I thought he was Al Sharpton. I mean, we did once do an issue on Sharpton. It’s easy to mix these things up. I mean, we do a cover every month. What else can I say, but, ‘oops.'”



“See — I TOLD you we did a cover with Sharpton. (Is this the same guy that’s on MSNBC? Nah, can’t be. Can it?)”

“Oh my God — is this the same guy our president pals around with??”



“Wait a minute  — so then who is this guy?”




Axelrod claims Obama “apoplectic” about GSA spending. But here’s how their conversation really went…

Published on April 22, 2012,

The scene: Obama advisor David Axelrod spoke with Obama at 2PM, the end of Obama’s work day. This conversation would have taken place earlier in the day, but Axelrod arrived at 10:30AM, a half hour before Obama normally comes down from the White House living quarters.


Axelrod: Barack, I’m going on TV tomorrow and claim you’re apoplectic about the GSA scandal. I’ll just say the usual, you know, we’re saving money by spending money, blah, blah, blah.

Obama: Okay.

Axelrod: Do you have any questions?

Obama: No.

Axelrod: You sure?

Obama: Yeah.

Axelrod: Positive?

Obama: Yeah.

Axelrod: C’mon – think.

(Obama thinks. Then…)

Obama: What’s ‘apolo…’ mean?

Axelrod: Apoplectic. It means you’re very upset. Like, crazy upset.

Obama: I’m not upset at all.

Axelrod: I’m going to claim you are. Highly upset.

Obama: About what?

Axelrod: About the whole GSA scandal.

Obama: What scandal? Another scandal?

Axelrod: You know, the thing about them going to Vegas.

Obama: But I told Americans not to go to Vegas.

Axelrod: This is different. They went to Vegas for government work, but got a little too frisky. ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?’ Not this time.

Obama: What do you mean, ‘what happens in Vegas?’

Axelrod: It’s an expression – a marketing idea.

Obama: I don’t understand.

Axelrod: — So people come to Vegas and get crazy and spend money on debauchery.

(Long pause.)

Axelrod: I see a question building.

Obama: What’s debauchery?

Axelrod: It means to get crazy with sex.

Obama: Why, what’d they do?

Axelrod: They partied and got laid, but on the government dime. Worse, they got caught.

Obama: Who knows about this?

Axelrod: Everybody. It’s a big scandal. Issa’s even talking about it. That’s why I gotta go on TV.

Obama: Damn. Does this mean I can’t play golf today?

Axelrod: I’d lay off for the week. Wait till the GSA thing blows over a bit.

Obama: What’s the GSA?

Axelrod: It’s the focus of the scandal – the General Services Administration!

Obama: Oh them. Yeah, I can see where I’d be apop… apop….

Axelrod: Apoplectic.

(Long pause…)

Axelrod: Question?

Obama: …What’s the General Services Administration do?

Axelrod: It’s an agency that buys everything for the government. And also manages a few things here and there.

Obama: So just to be sure, in case anybody asks me: I’m apopo…

Axelrod: — Apoplectic.

Obama: — I’m apopoplectric because…

Axelrod: — Because they partied in Vegas on government money.

(Obama thinks.)

Obama: Who?

Axelrod: The GSA!

Obama: So I’m mad the GSA partied in Vegas.

Axelrod: Apoplectic.

Obama: Why do you keep using that word!

Axelrod: It makes you sound more intelligent and more thoughtful about things.

Obama: Just make sure it’s written big on the teleprompter. I don’t want to go through another ‘corpseman’ thing.

Axelrod: What the hell’s a ‘corpseman?’

Obama: I don’t know! I thought it meant a guy in the military.

Axelrod: No, that’s a ‘corpsman.’

Obama: So there’ no ‘p’?

Axelrod: No, there’s a ‘p.’ But it’s silent.

Obama: Do me a favor: on the teleprompter, don’t use letters that are silent, okay? Just leave them out.

Axelrod: There are no silent letters in apoplectic, you don’t have to worry.

Obama: Are there any silent letters in ‘golf?’

Axelrod: No. Why?

Obama: (shrugs) Never know when it might come up.

(Axelrod heads for the door)

Axelrod: Okay. Tomorrow first thing, I’ll tell what’s going on with the Secret Service.

Obama: Not before eleven.

Axelrod: I wouldn’t think of it.

(Long pause. Axelrod stops, looks back at Obama)

Axelrod: Question?

Obama: Is something going on with the Secret Service?

Axelrod: (As he walks out the door) Tomorrow, 11AM… What I wouldn’t give right now to be the head writer on Saturday Night Live.

Obama: …What?

Axelrod: Nothing!



Alternative-reality-speak: Axelrod Warns GOP Will Bankrupt U.S., Not Obama

Published on April 22, 2012,

After Barack Obama puts the nation 5 trillion  dollars in debt in his first term, Obama advisor David Axelrod re-defines reality for the ignorant, the corrupt and the indoctrinated.

The “Buffet Rule,” claims Axelrod:

1- will relieve the $5,000,000.000,000.00 budget debt created by Obama by a possible .0094%;

2- despite encouraging class warfare and targeting the nation’s most successful investors, it will somehow manage to encourage them to invest further in the U.S. instead of foreign markets;

3- will cure cancer;

4- stop global warming; and

5- temporarily relieve itching associated with minor cuts, prickly heat, rashes and insect bites.

Axelrod now, and purportedly from his early days at the University of Chicago:




Hard Time: Mike Tyson impregnated guard while in prison

Published on April 22, 2012,

–  Baby did not surivive childbirth;

– Was to be named “481649 Tyson, Jr.;

– Now, Tyson says he is reformed and lives a sober, vegan lifestyle, precluding all sex with prison guards or frozen vegetables.



MSNBC Host Martin Bashir Condemns Mitt Romney to Hell; Cites Book of Mormon

Published on April 22, 2012,

The rant:

“Which brings us to the moral codes of Mormonism that Mr. Romney claims to live by,” Bashir said. “In Section 63, in verse 17 of the Doctrine and Covenants of the Mormon Church we find this: ‘All liars, and whosoever loveth and and maketh a lie, and the whoremonger, and the sorcerer, shall have their part in that lake which burneth with fire and brimstone which is the second death.’ And from the Book of Mormon to Nephi, Chapter 2, Verse 34 we find this: ‘Woe unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell.’” And based on Bashir’s interpretation, he said Romney can either win the White House and be condemned to “eternal damnation,” or just tell the truth.

– Bashir to begin shock therapy and associated medication; MSNBC extends contract;


– Claims having sex with Mike Tyson in prison during prison visit — cites ‘Book of Love;’


– Psychiatrists give Bashir same odds for recovery that Mitt Romney has in going to hell;


– Tyson gives him 1,000,000 to 1, with advice to ‘run like a motherf— ‘


– God weighs in: “These people are nuts. I simply stopped watching MSNBC, and get my news elsewhere.  And speaking of hell…”



Former Canadian Prime Minister: Presidents Must Choose Accomplishment or Popularity

Published on April 22, 2012,


Or, neither:

Obama’s Approval Rating Remains at Term-Low 41%




PRELUDE TO CIVIL WAR – The Sun Has Finally Set: Islamic Law Now Binding In Britain

Published on April 22, 2012,

 -Britain Adopts Islamic Law; Islamic Courts Now Have Full Power

– UNPRECEDENTED: 3% of Population Now Has Separate Civil Law

(Only 2% of a population, if completely dedicated, is generally thought the minimum number required to wage a successful revolution)




Hugo Chavez Missing – End Feared Near

Published on April 22, 2012,

– Multiple Botched Cancer Treatments Puts His Endorsement of Cuban Health Care System On Hold

– Confides to family: “I don’t know which is worse  — that I didn’t go to a Jewish doctor in New York in the first place, or that my last living photograph is me wearing this hat.”





Published on April 22, 2012,


 The Professor Weighs In:

“That’s titantically stupid. Why don’t they just mine for energy right under their feet? There’s a whole planet, with an infinite source of heat in its core. Even our nearby moon has infinite energy resources in the form of a substance called O3 that covers the surface to great depths and is regularly replenished by radiation from the sun. Between these three narcissistic men, they have too much money and made too many movies”


“And has anybody seen a purple sticky-note I misplaced? I’ve been looking all over for it.”



NBC Announces: Saturday Night Live Will Not Be Funny Until Romney Is Elected President

Published on April 21, 2012,

“With Barack Obama in the White house, there is simply no one in the administration to make fun of. It’s been a very frustrating few years. On the other hand, if Romney is elected, there will be limitless material. Romney is funny, you see. The Obamas? I mean, there is just nothing that lends itself to parody.”

– Anonymous NBC producer





Jeb Bush: “Don’t pick me for VP!”

Published on April 21, 2012,


 America to Jeb: “Don’t worry.


Global-Warming Advocate Writes in Forbes (Forbes?): “Burn Down Homes of Deniers”

Published on April 21, 2012,


An excerpt:

“Let’s start keeping track of them now, and when the famines come, let’s make them pay. Let’s let their houses burn.”

A sentimentalist, yearning for the days of yore.





“If I wasn’t so busy dealing with this dog-eating thing, I’d have urged this myself. When you do burn down their homes — which you will: you will burn down their homes — keep an eye out for a surprisingly tasty roasted dog, which, believe it or not, is best served with a white wine.”

-Barack Obama


“This president would never say that. Never. Because dog is a meat, and even George Bush knows meat is best served with red wine. And you may not always know when a dog is present in a global warming denier’s house when you’re about to burn it down, so you have to burn it down to see if there’s a dog in it.”

-Nancy Pelosi


“You got any hair of that dog?”

   -Secretary Re-set Button




“I ache for the days when we had people in office that lent themselves to parody. There just hasn’t been a stitch of material since 2008.”

Anonymous Producer, Saturday Night Live


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