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Published on April 24, 2012,

Not all is bad at the TSA. Despite discovering 743 transvestites, 19,249 enlarged prostates, 209,351 breast implants (how can that be an odd number?), 27,298 colon problems, 3 natural blonds — yet no terrorists — it is assuring to know at least some traveling celebs are finding good things to say about their experience at the hands, literally, of the TSA. But not others.


 “I got a security ‘patdown’ by a woman at the airport that left no doubt about her sexual preferences. It’s great to see people so publicly confident in their sexuality. I later found her number in my panties.”
– Supermodel Bar Refaeli



“I was making the best out of an uncomfortable situation by making faces and acting like I was having a great time. But I was not. Perhaps if they used some kind of lubricant, I would have had at least a ‘good’ time. And they told me that ‘if I don’t wipe that grin off my face,’ next time they’ll ‘take me aside,’ whatever that means.”
-Actress Jennifer Hudson



DHS Chief Janet Napolitano, somewhat sensitive to recent criticism of TSA digital manipulation (‘we live in a digital age, get over it’), is shown field-testing a new groin and cavity search device. Asked what it was called, she said, ‘we call it a Take-aside.’


-Napolitano, shown with the ‘Take-aside



“This whole TSA group is bullshit! These are the kind of people  that would  %$@# a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.  Though that ‘Take-aside’ has possiblities”




‘I begged that same woman who searched Bar Refaeli to search me. But all of a sudden she put on a hazmat suit and big rubber gloves and a respirator. So I refused to get on the plane, and flew in the wheel-well instead.’
 -Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi




Obama Tweets

Published on April 24, 2012,
Just realized the United Kingdom and Great Britain may be the same place.  This could save significant travel time.



Published on April 24, 2012,

Our email is:



Attention Spike Lee: Our  address remains 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington DC.


Att: US Secret Service: If there is any Ted Nugent-like issues regarding this post, please be advised we met with the following agent, below — very closely, in fact (that’s me wearing the silver suit), and we cleared the air:




Live since Sunday, and 45,000 visits (we finally ran out of silverware)

Published on April 24, 2012,

TheFineReport.com has been live since Sunday night (April 24, 2012), and has received 45,000 visits so far, from all over the world, and even one from Venus (we were told the weather is not good).

With you reading this, that makes 45,001.

Thank you for visiting, and please return. Any comments or suggestions, please contact us at editor@thefinereport.com. thefinereport@gmail.com.

If you are Barack Obama, please contact us at sales@CaviarCanine.com.

If you are visitor number 45,002, congratulations: there is no one else like you in the world, nor will there ever be.

If you are Spike Lee, our address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC and we enjoy rotten tomatoes being thrown at us when we come and go.  Our phone number is 202-456-1414, and we appreciate calls very late at night, and very early in the morning. And we’d appreciate if you would write this information on the walls of every public toilet you ever happen to find yourself in.

If you are visitor number 45,003, you ought to get together with visitors 45,001 and 45,002 and start a club of some kind. Remember, there is no one else like you in the world. As Jesse Jackson might say (besides “My son did not conspire with Blago to steal!”), “You are 45,002! You are 45,003!”



Chutzpah: Killing your parents, then complaining you’re an orphan

Published on April 24, 2012,

NY Times reporters panic about losing financial benefits after willfully destroying the paper’s only value: it’s reputation



 A recent example:



New York Times Softball League

Published on April 23, 2012,

“Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.”

– Benjamin Franklin


With the proverbial horse out of the barn:


The Sunday Review

 “A Hard Look at the President”

“The warm afterglow of Mr. Obama’s election, the collateral effects of liberal-minded feature writers — these can be overcome by hard-nosed, unbiased political reporting now.”





The tragedy is that the damage to the reputation of what was once American’s ‘newspaper of record,’ is permanent.


But the damage to our nation because of the New York Times’ admittedly negligent and false reporting is a far greater tragedy, and one that has yet to fully manifest.


“Catch, ‘Barack,’ whoever you are!  Here comes another question from The New York Times!”





Published on April 23, 2012,


Buffet:  “What the hell’s the matter with you? How did you get this all wrong? What was so hard? It’s all right here on page two! — Underlined! – And in big type! Don’t you read any of this crap I send you? And sit still, for God’s sake  — what do you, have a golf tee up your ass? And set your watch – it’s not even on the right time! You’d better start listening to me, you idiot: I’m not your ‘John Boehner.’ I am Warren Buffet, dammit. When I give you a rule, you get that rule straight! Understand?”


Obama: “Okay, okay — but I just don’t get all the percentage things. You know I’m not good at math.”


Buffet: “Just what the hell are you good at? You’re killing me! The whole country’s laughing at this. I lost half my hair since we stuck you in office. Listen to me, you Bill Ayers, Alinsky dumbbell: if you can’t keep my words straight from now on, don’t open your mouth unless you’re reading from a teleprompter. Got it? Don’t open your  mouth. And tell that Hitler-lookalike Axelrod to keep his mouth shut, too. I have yet to met anyone as stupid as the two of you seem to think most people are.”


Obama: Okay, okay. Can I go now?





Published on April 23, 2012,

You have to see this to believe it:


American Professors Gather in Tehran for Occupy Wall Street Conference






Axelrod: “President is Apoplectic About GSA Spending Scandal” (continuing):

Published on April 23, 2012,

“Aplopoplectric….  Aropolplectic….  Apopopopoplecic….  Alopiplectic…..  Appopoplecric…..”



“Still nothing to make fun of. It is truly historic.”

 -The cast and crew of….


1 in 2 New Graduates Are Jobless or Underemployed — the Remainder Are ‘Artists,’ Who Will Never Be Employed

Published on April 23, 2012,

“Sorry for laughing, but that first real lesson in economics is always such a doozie. I’ve got an even better one planned for November 3rd.”
















Published on April 23, 2012,

Says photo editor:

“I sat on my glasses earlier that day, and got the pictures confused. Man, looking at him now, this kid really got hit by the ‘ugly stick.’ At first, I thought he was Al Sharpton. I mean, we did once do an issue on Sharpton. It’s easy to mix these things up. I mean, we do a cover every month. What else can I say, but, ‘oops.'”



“See — I TOLD you we did a cover with Sharpton. (Is this the same guy that’s on MSNBC? Nah, can’t be. Can it?)”

“Oh my God — is this the same guy our president pals around with??”



“Wait a minute  — so then who is this guy?”




Axelrod claims Obama “apoplectic” about GSA spending. But here’s how their conversation really went…

Published on April 22, 2012,

The scene: Obama advisor David Axelrod spoke with Obama at 2PM, the end of Obama’s work day. This conversation would have taken place earlier in the day, but Axelrod arrived at 10:30AM, a half hour before Obama normally comes down from the White House living quarters.


Axelrod: Barack, I’m going on TV tomorrow and claim you’re apoplectic about the GSA scandal. I’ll just say the usual, you know, we’re saving money by spending money, blah, blah, blah.

Obama: Okay.

Axelrod: Do you have any questions?

Obama: No.

Axelrod: You sure?

Obama: Yeah.

Axelrod: Positive?

Obama: Yeah.

Axelrod: C’mon – think.

(Obama thinks. Then…)

Obama: What’s ‘apolo…’ mean?

Axelrod: Apoplectic. It means you’re very upset. Like, crazy upset.

Obama: I’m not upset at all.

Axelrod: I’m going to claim you are. Highly upset.

Obama: About what?

Axelrod: About the whole GSA scandal.

Obama: What scandal? Another scandal?

Axelrod: You know, the thing about them going to Vegas.

Obama: But I told Americans not to go to Vegas.

Axelrod: This is different. They went to Vegas for government work, but got a little too frisky. ‘What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas?’ Not this time.

Obama: What do you mean, ‘what happens in Vegas?’

Axelrod: It’s an expression – a marketing idea.

Obama: I don’t understand.

Axelrod: — So people come to Vegas and get crazy and spend money on debauchery.

(Long pause.)

Axelrod: I see a question building.

Obama: What’s debauchery?

Axelrod: It means to get crazy with sex.

Obama: Why, what’d they do?

Axelrod: They partied and got laid, but on the government dime. Worse, they got caught.

Obama: Who knows about this?

Axelrod: Everybody. It’s a big scandal. Issa’s even talking about it. That’s why I gotta go on TV.

Obama: Damn. Does this mean I can’t play golf today?

Axelrod: I’d lay off for the week. Wait till the GSA thing blows over a bit.

Obama: What’s the GSA?

Axelrod: It’s the focus of the scandal – the General Services Administration!

Obama: Oh them. Yeah, I can see where I’d be apop… apop….

Axelrod: Apoplectic.

(Long pause…)

Axelrod: Question?

Obama: …What’s the General Services Administration do?

Axelrod: It’s an agency that buys everything for the government. And also manages a few things here and there.

Obama: So just to be sure, in case anybody asks me: I’m apopo…

Axelrod: — Apoplectic.

Obama: — I’m apopoplectric because…

Axelrod: — Because they partied in Vegas on government money.

(Obama thinks.)

Obama: Who?

Axelrod: The GSA!

Obama: So I’m mad the GSA partied in Vegas.

Axelrod: Apoplectic.

Obama: Why do you keep using that word!

Axelrod: It makes you sound more intelligent and more thoughtful about things.

Obama: Just make sure it’s written big on the teleprompter. I don’t want to go through another ‘corpseman’ thing.

Axelrod: What the hell’s a ‘corpseman?’

Obama: I don’t know! I thought it meant a guy in the military.

Axelrod: No, that’s a ‘corpsman.’

Obama: So there’ no ‘p’?

Axelrod: No, there’s a ‘p.’ But it’s silent.

Obama: Do me a favor: on the teleprompter, don’t use letters that are silent, okay? Just leave them out.

Axelrod: There are no silent letters in apoplectic, you don’t have to worry.

Obama: Are there any silent letters in ‘golf?’

Axelrod: No. Why?

Obama: (shrugs) Never know when it might come up.

(Axelrod heads for the door)

Axelrod: Okay. Tomorrow first thing, I’ll tell what’s going on with the Secret Service.

Obama: Not before eleven.

Axelrod: I wouldn’t think of it.

(Long pause. Axelrod stops, looks back at Obama)

Axelrod: Question?

Obama: Is something going on with the Secret Service?

Axelrod: (As he walks out the door) Tomorrow, 11AM… What I wouldn’t give right now to be the head writer on Saturday Night Live.

Obama: …What?

Axelrod: Nothing!



Alternative-reality-speak: Axelrod Warns GOP Will Bankrupt U.S., Not Obama

Published on April 22, 2012,

After Barack Obama puts the nation 5 trillion  dollars in debt in his first term, Obama advisor David Axelrod re-defines reality for the ignorant, the corrupt and the indoctrinated.

The “Buffet Rule,” claims Axelrod:

1- will relieve the $5,000,000.000,000.00 budget debt created by Obama by a possible .0094%;

2- despite encouraging class warfare and targeting the nation’s most successful investors, it will somehow manage to encourage them to invest further in the U.S. instead of foreign markets;

3- will cure cancer;

4- stop global warming; and

5- temporarily relieve itching associated with minor cuts, prickly heat, rashes and insect bites.

Axelrod now, and purportedly from his early days at the University of Chicago:




Hard Time: Mike Tyson impregnated guard while in prison

Published on April 22, 2012,

–  Baby did not surivive childbirth;

– Was to be named “481649 Tyson, Jr.;

– Now, Tyson says he is reformed and lives a sober, vegan lifestyle, precluding all sex with prison guards or frozen vegetables.



MSNBC Host Martin Bashir Condemns Mitt Romney to Hell; Cites Book of Mormon

Published on April 22, 2012,

The rant:

“Which brings us to the moral codes of Mormonism that Mr. Romney claims to live by,” Bashir said. “In Section 63, in verse 17 of the Doctrine and Covenants of the Mormon Church we find this: ‘All liars, and whosoever loveth and and maketh a lie, and the whoremonger, and the sorcerer, shall have their part in that lake which burneth with fire and brimstone which is the second death.’ And from the Book of Mormon to Nephi, Chapter 2, Verse 34 we find this: ‘Woe unto the liar, for he shall be thrust down to hell.’” And based on Bashir’s interpretation, he said Romney can either win the White House and be condemned to “eternal damnation,” or just tell the truth.

– Bashir to begin shock therapy and associated medication; MSNBC extends contract;


– Claims having sex with Mike Tyson in prison during prison visit — cites ‘Book of Love;’


– Psychiatrists give Bashir same odds for recovery that Mitt Romney has in going to hell;


– Tyson gives him 1,000,000 to 1, with advice to ‘run like a motherf— ‘


– God weighs in: “These people are nuts. I simply stopped watching MSNBC, and get my news elsewhere.  And speaking of hell…”



Former Canadian Prime Minister: Presidents Must Choose Accomplishment or Popularity

Published on April 22, 2012,


Or, neither:

Obama’s Approval Rating Remains at Term-Low 41%




PRELUDE TO CIVIL WAR – The Sun Has Finally Set: Islamic Law Now Binding In Britain

Published on April 22, 2012,

 -Britain Adopts Islamic Law; Islamic Courts Now Have Full Power

– UNPRECEDENTED: 3% of Population Now Has Separate Civil Law

(Only 2% of a population, if completely dedicated, is generally thought the minimum number required to wage a successful revolution)




Hugo Chavez Missing – End Feared Near

Published on April 22, 2012,

– Multiple Botched Cancer Treatments Puts His Endorsement of Cuban Health Care System On Hold

– Confides to family: “I don’t know which is worse  — that I didn’t go to a Jewish doctor in New York in the first place, or that my last living photograph is me wearing this hat.”





Published on April 22, 2012,


 The Professor Weighs In:

“That’s titantically stupid. Why don’t they just mine for energy right under their feet? There’s a whole planet, with an infinite source of heat in its core. Even our nearby moon has infinite energy resources in the form of a substance called O3 that covers the surface to great depths and is regularly replenished by radiation from the sun. Between these three narcissistic men, they have too much money and made too many movies”


“And has anybody seen a purple sticky-note I misplaced? I’ve been looking all over for it.”



NBC Announces: Saturday Night Live Will Not Be Funny Until Romney Is Elected President

Published on April 21, 2012,

“With Barack Obama in the White house, there is simply no one in the administration to make fun of. It’s been a very frustrating few years. On the other hand, if Romney is elected, there will be limitless material. Romney is funny, you see. The Obamas? I mean, there is just nothing that lends itself to parody.”

– Anonymous NBC producer





Jeb Bush: “Don’t pick me for VP!”

Published on April 21, 2012,


 America to Jeb: “Don’t worry.


Global-Warming Advocate Writes in Forbes (Forbes?): “Burn Down Homes of Deniers”

Published on April 21, 2012,


An excerpt:

“Let’s start keeping track of them now, and when the famines come, let’s make them pay. Let’s let their houses burn.”

A sentimentalist, yearning for the days of yore.





“If I wasn’t so busy dealing with this dog-eating thing, I’d have urged this myself. When you do burn down their homes — which you will: you will burn down their homes — keep an eye out for a surprisingly tasty roasted dog, which, believe it or not, is best served with a white wine.”

-Barack Obama


“This president would never say that. Never. Because dog is a meat, and even George Bush knows meat is best served with red wine. And you may not always know when a dog is present in a global warming denier’s house when you’re about to burn it down, so you have to burn it down to see if there’s a dog in it.”

-Nancy Pelosi


“You got any hair of that dog?”

   -Secretary Re-set Button




“I ache for the days when we had people in office that lent themselves to parody. There just hasn’t been a stitch of material since 2008.”

Anonymous Producer, Saturday Night Live


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