Not all is bad at the TSA. Despite discovering 743 transvestites, 19,249 enlarged prostates, 209,351 breast implants (how can that be an odd number?), 27,298 colon problems, 3 natural blonds — yet no terrorists — it is assuring to know at least some traveling celebs are finding good things to say about their experience at the hands, literally, of the TSA. But not others.


 “I got a security ‘patdown’ by a woman at the airport that left no doubt about her sexual preferences. It’s great to see people so publicly confident in their sexuality. I later found her number in my panties.”
– Supermodel Bar Refaeli



“I was making the best out of an uncomfortable situation by making faces and acting like I was having a great time. But I was not. Perhaps if they used some kind of lubricant, I would have had at least a ‘good’ time. And they told me that ‘if I don’t wipe that grin off my face,’ next time they’ll ‘take me aside,’ whatever that means.”
-Actress Jennifer Hudson



DHS Chief Janet Napolitano, somewhat sensitive to recent criticism of TSA digital manipulation (‘we live in a digital age, get over it’), is shown field-testing a new groin and cavity search device. Asked what it was called, she said, ‘we call it a Take-aside.’


-Napolitano, shown with the ‘Take-aside



“This whole TSA group is bullshit! These are the kind of people  that would  %$@# a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.  Though that ‘Take-aside’ has possiblities”




‘I begged that same woman who searched Bar Refaeli to search me. But all of a sudden she put on a hazmat suit and big rubber gloves and a respirator. So I refused to get on the plane, and flew in the wheel-well instead.’
 -Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi