- Did you hear about the NY Times editor who froze to death in a drive-in movie? She went to see “Closed for the Winter.”
- Why did the NY Times editor have only 3 children? She heard that every fourth child born is Chinese.
- Another power outage hit New York: twelve NY Times editors were stuck on an escalator overnight.
- A NY Times editor was shopping at a Target Store with Michelle Obama. They came across a thermos, in shiny silver, much like the dress Harvey Weinstein put Michelle in when he had her appear on the Oscars broadcast. Both were fascinated by it. They picked it up and brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was. The clerk said, “That’s a thermos . . . it keeps some things hot and some things cold.” Excited, the NY Times editor bought it for Michelle, saying how nicely it would match her dress. The next day, Michelle showed it to Barack, who asked. “What do you have there?” Michelle said, “It’s a thermos . . . it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” Barack asked, “What do you have in it?” Michelle replied, “Two Popsicles and some coffee.” Barack’s eyes lit up: “Can I have a popsicle?”
- A man entered the subway with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a NY Times editor. The puzzled NY Times editor kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. She asked him what was in his pockets. The man said, “Who are you, Jimmy Kimmel?” The NY Times editor chuckled, “No. But we do look alike. Come on: what do you have in your pocket?” “I have golf balls,” the man answered. The NY Times editor looked at him with sudden concern and asked, “”Does that hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
- A young man wanted to get his NY Times editor wife a gift for their first wedding anniversary. So he bought her a new iPhone8. He showed her the phone and explained to her all of its features. She was excited, and loved the phone. The next day the husband called her while she was out shopping: “How do you like your new phone?” She replied, “I love it! Hey – how’d you know I was at the mall?”
- Two NY Times editors were sitting outside one evening, talking. One says to the other: “Which do you think is farther away: Florida or the moon?” The other NY Times editor looks at the sky and says: “Are you joking? I mean, you can you see the moon.”
- A NY Times editor pushed her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic that it died on her. After the mechanic works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, “What was wrong?” He replies, “Just crap in the carburetor.” She asks, “Really? How often do I have to do that?”
- A police officer stops a NY Times editor for speeding and asks her if he could see her license. She replies in a huff, “I wish you cops would get your act together. Last month you guys took away my license, and then today you expect me to show it to you?!”
- A NY Times editor out for a walk at the East River. She spots another NY Times editor on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo!” she shouts, “How can I get to the other side?” The second NY Times editor looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, “You are on the other side.”
- A NY Times editor fell down a flight of stairs. Now, it hurts wherever she touches herself on her body. She is on an Obamacare plan, and she managed to get appointments with three different Obamacare providers to discovery why it is it hurts so much wherever she touches herself on her body. Despite a battery of expensive tests and examinations, none of them had an answer for her. Finally, she paid cash to see a doctor out of the Obamacare network. She tells the doctor, of her malady. “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.” The editor pushes on her left breast and screams. Then she pushed her elbow and screams even more. She pushes her knee and screams. Then she pushed on her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touched herself made her scream. The doctor curiously examined her finger, immediately discovering it was broken.
- A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the NY Times editor behind the wheel knitting as she was driving. Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!” “NO!” the NY Times editor yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
- A Russian, an American, and a NY Times editor were talking one day. The Russian said, “We were the first in space!” The American said, “We were the first on the moon!” The NY Times editor said, “So what? I predict the NFL is going to be the first to land on the sun!” The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. “You can’t land on the sun – you’d burn up!” The NY Times editor replied, “NFL astronauts won’t be stupid: they’d be going at night.”
- A NY Times editor was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, “If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?” She thought for a time and then asked, “Is the vacuum on or off?”
- A woman wrote a NY Times editor was covering a story about the NYPD’s two new watchdogs. Back at the office, she realized she forgot the name of the two dogs. So she fudged her headline: “Working the NYPD K9 shift with Timex and Casio.”.
Television clip surfaces of America’s new moral compass, Jimmy Kimmel, filmed on the street asking women to guess ‘what is in his pants,’ telling them: “You should put your mouth on it.”
His whole life, Jimmy Kimmel’s parents harassed him to stop acting like a flamingo. He had enough, and finally put his foot down.
Jimmy Kimmel once poured root beer in a square glass. To this day, he can’t understand why he now just has a beer.
Jimmy Kimmel asked his wife why she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
A child asked Jimmy Kimmel: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? Kimmel answered: One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
Kimmel and his wife were overheard having an arguing. His wife insisted, “Nothing rhymes with orange!” Kimmel was heard saying, “No it doesn’t!”
Arguing his expertise on religion, Kimmel said to a Priest: “So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world!”
Kimmel and his wife blindfolded themselves and walked into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Asked why he always carries around a step-ladder, Kimmel answered, “I never knew my real ladder.”
The director of the Jimmy Kimmel show shouted to Jimmy Kimmel: “I need you to get to the other side of the stage!” Puzzled, Kimmel relied, “I am on the other side!”
Before you criticize Jimmy Kimmel, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you’re a mile away and have his shoes.
What did God say after creating Kimmel? “I can do so much better.”
What does it mean if Kimmel is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
What do you call a man with half a brain? Jimmy Kimmel.
Why does Kimmel whistle when he’s sitting on the toilet? Because it helps him remember which end he needs to wipe.
What has 12 arms and an IQ of 60? Jimmy Kimmel and his staff of ten.
What’s the difference between Big Foot and Kimmel’s brain? Big Foot’s been spotted a several times.
Why does Jimmy Kimmel whine? Because he’s practicing to be a man.
Republican National Committee Chairwoman Ronna Romney McDaniel responds to Michelle Obama’s racist remarks:
Jimmy Kimmel cares so much about everyone, that he tip-toes past medicine cabinets so he doesn’t wake up any sleeping pills.
How do you keep Jimmy Kimmel busy between tapings? Give him a piece of paper that says “flip” on both sides.
Why does Jimmy Kimmel have to always be reminded to get out of the shower? Because his shampoo bottle says “lather, rinse, repeat.” Kimmel’s handlers also have to be careful about leaving him with orange juice containers: they say “concentrate,” and he winds up staring at them for hours.
Why did the Jimmy Kimmel get so excited about finishing a jigsaw puzzle in six months? Because the box said it was for “2 to 4 years.”
Jimmy Kimmel’s secret dream is to be Vanna White. No, it’s not an Obama transvestite fantasy: Kimmel wants to actually learn the alphabet. Speaking of which, Kimmel’s other secret fantasy has actually come true: he finally got a boob job – the only job he’s truly qualified for.
How do you know if Jimmy Kimmel’s been using his computer? The screen is full of White Out.
What did Jimmy Kimmel’s wife say when she found out she was pregnant? “I wonder if it’s mine.”
When did Jimmy Kimmel almost drown? When he spotted a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Jimmy Kimmel and his wife walked into a building. Neither of them saw it coming.
How do you confuse Jimmy Kimmel? Put him in a circle and tell him to sit in the corner.
Why did Jimmy Kimmel bring a ladder to his first Hollywood party? Whoever invited him told him all the drinks were on the house.
How do you force Jimmy Kimmel to repeat stupid ideas? You don’t have to. He was born that way.
Why did Jimmy Kimmel’s wife put lipstick on her forehead? She was desperately trying to make up her mind.
Why can’t Jimmy Kimmel ever successfully dial 911? He can’t find the eleven.
Why does Jimmy Kimmel always hold his ears? Because he’s desperately trying to hold in an original thought.
Now that, is funny!
(*Vanity Fair’s selections were determined by Vanity Fair special fashion contributor, Stevie Wonder – which, as Wonder would say, is like asking him to drive a car.)
Fashion Armpit and professional beard Michelle Obama: not proud of her country until her fake husband was nominated for the presidency. But now she’s not proud again:
Michelle Obama 2020.
2020 pounds, that is.
The Great American Contrivance, Hillary Clinton, demonstrates ‘alternate nostril breathing’ – a long time ago, and on the Senate floor:
Hillary Clinton, picking her nose while speaking at the United States Senate.
That other great American contrivance, demonstrating his own masterful one-nostril breathing technique:
Clinton murders, including the murder of Seth Rich:
Boycott the Fox bozo.
The Michelle Obama Clothing Line: Available only at Nordstrom’s – and Salvation Army stores nationwide
Singer Joy Villa knows a winner when she sees one: she wears Trump dress to the Grammys!
Support her by buying one of her songs on iTunes or Amazon, or a product from her online store:
In case you missed the other Parts:
Parts 1 through 4:
Steven Speilberg Offered to Train Hillary Clinton to ‘Be More Likeable’ When She Speaks:
Clinton declined: “I get $250,000 to give a speech, and these Hollywood jackasses are going to tell me how to do it!”