People inside Congress are not surprised. “I was never really sure he was alive,” commented one Congressional source who chose to remain anonymous. “How could anyone tell — especially after his fourth Scotch?,” commented another anonymous source. “I did think he was looking a bit more orange than usual,” said a Congressional page.
OTHER REACTIONS POUR IN:
Said President Fudd, upon hearing the news: “Good. I was getting tired of hearing him tell me we have a budget problem.”
Said Michelle Fudd: “Death will teach him never to interrupt me while I’m eating.”
Said Nancy Pelosi: “They should have done his autopsy while he was alive, because you have to kill someone to see what’s in them.”
Said Hillary Clinton: “So he’s dead. What difference does that make now?”
Harry Reid: “He was @#$%. Probably a child molester, too — unlike Bob Menendez.”
Harry Belafonte: “‘Kill whitey’ — it finally worked!”
Bill Ayers: “Don’t look at me like that — he never had dinner at my house!”
Al Sharpton: “At da rate I’m losing weight, I just might be joining dat cracka.”
Janet Napolitano: “Another extreme right-wing terrorist bites the dust.”
Recently re-elected GOP Chairman Rinse Reebus (or whatever his name is): “I wonder if anybody’d notice if I was dead.”
Said Joe Biden: “Geez, that’s too bad. We should honor his memory. John, stand up and take a bow, will ya?”
Elizabeth Warren: “Off he goes, to the great hunting grounds in the sky.”
Michael Bloomberg: “My sources tell me he drank a large soda. That’ll do it, ya know.”
CBS News’ Bob Schieffer: “With the death of John Boehner, the American neo-Nazi movement has suffered a welcomed setback.”
Chuck Hagel: “The only good Jew is a dead Jew – even if he’s not Jewish.”
@#$% and Shinola salesman Karl Rove: “The conservative movement now needs me more than ever.”
Eric Holder: “I was going to indict him. He’s lucky he died.”
‘Al Jazeera’ Gore: “Global warming did it. Nothing else could have killed him. Am I in the will?”
U.S. economy: “Welcome to the club.”
Antia Dunn: “Better red, than dead.”
Ron Paul: “Live by the sword, die by the sword. He was killed by a sword, wasn’t he?”
Ron Paul: “Live by the gun, die by the gun. He was killed by a gun, wasn’t he?”
Ron Paul: “Live by the can opener, die by the can opener. He was killed by a can opener, wasn’t he?”
Said the Washington D.C. Medical Examiner: “A fascinating case. As we were rolling his body into the morgue freezer, I could have sworn I heard him ask for a blanket. We also noticed the body was missing its testicles.”
The Boehner family has issued a statement: “We could never tell whether he was alive, either. We’re not even sure he’s dead. It’s always been so hard to tell. We called 911, just in case.”
Said Rep. Sheila Jackass Lee: “He dead? Who he?”
Ron Paul: “Live by Lysol Tub and Tile, die by Lysol Tub and Tile. He was killed by Lysol Tub and Tile, wasn’t he?”
