“Have you ever @#$%ed on a pressure cooker full of explosives? It’s nice.”
Officer: Mr. Tsarnaev, you are hereby under arrest.
Tsarnaev: @#$% you.
Officer: You have the right to remain silent –
Tsarnaev: @#$% you.
Officer: Are you giving up that right?
Tsarnaev: Are you stupid and deaf?
Officer: Mr. Tsarnaev, were you the person who used a pressure cooker to put explosives in at the Boston Marathon?
Tsarnaev: No, I was using it to cook carrots in at the Boston Marathon. Hey, somebody get me an orange juice – and some coffee cake.
Officer: Mr. Tsarnaev, were you motivated by your religious beliefs to plant explosives in the pressure cooker?
Tsarnaev: No — I was motivated by my religious beliefs to blow people up. Planting the explosives came afterwards.
Officer: Mr. Tsarnaev, do you realize that during your escape attempt, you killed your brother with the vehicle you were driving?
Tsarnaev: (snort) You expect me to believe that? Me, who was top in my driver’s ed class?
Officer: Mr. Tsarnaev, where did you get the BMW you possessed?
Tsarnaev: At a BMW dealer. Are you really a cop? Hey Nurse – more orange juice. And change the channel to MTV, will ya?
Officer: Mr. Tsarnaev, were you influenced by your brother in planting explosives in the pressure cookers?
Tsarnaev: No. I was influenced by my brother to blow people up. I figured that’s why we were putting explosives in the pressure cooker.
Officer: Mr. Tsaraev –
Tsarnaev: Hey, enough with the ‘mister’ already.
Officer: What should I call you, then?
Tsarnaev: I donno. How about ‘the Justin Beiber of bombers?’ Didn’t you know? – I have a fan club already.
Officer: Uh… Did you and your brother have any help in designing and assembling the bombs?
Tsarnaev: The pressure cookers were designed by Farberware. We figured out how to make bombs with them after we saw my brother’s American wife screw up dinner with one and send a chicken over a block away.
Officer: Do you realize how many people died? Do you know how many lost their legs?
Tsarnaev: They’ll find them. They’ve got to be around somewhere, right? Nurse, more O.J.! And turn up that TV!
Officer: Sir, are you motivated by a radical brand of Islam unconnected to any Muslim terrorist group?
Tsarnaev: Are you serious? You are serious! (laughs) Yeah, radical brand of Islam…unconnected.
Officer: Where did you learn this radical brand of Islam?
Tsarnaev: From a Muslim terrorist group.
Officer: Are you animated by hatred for the people of the United States?
Tsarnaev: Yeah, I hate almost all of them for what they did to me. Getting me a BMW was particularly galling . I hate ’em all — except Barack Obama. In fact, I voted for him. How can I not love that guy, when he’s going to unleash more hell upon the U.S. than all the exploding pressure cookers in the world? Nurse – my sponge bath!
