We have finally found a job for this useless, derelict-in-his-duty bum of a GOP House Speaker.
In fact, we built a business around this poor excuse for a man — and one worthy of his one special talent.
Introducing —
Boehner Professional Mourner Services!
“You die — we cry!”
In some cultures, the bereaved hire professional criers to demonstratively weep at services honoring their departed loved ones. Well today, that service is now offered in the U.S. — and it’s better than ever!
‘You Die, We Cry’ accepts all major credit cards, and we are on-call 24 hours, everyday, with professional weepers standing by to cry at that special send-off of your departed loved one. And we do pet ceremonies, too!
As a welcome to our new services, we are offering the following summer specials — so call us hencefortthheretowitthereof!
-John Boehner, President and Chairman of the Board, You Die — We Cry!, Inc.
The ‘Bill Clinton:’ gee, it’s so sad to lose such a swell guy like Ron Brown. Who was he again?’
Only $25.00 per half-hour!
The ‘Orange you glad it was him and not us?’
Only $35.00 per half-hour! (Orange face coloring is extra.)
The ‘Damn, that is one lousy embalming job. Who can look at that?…’
Only $35.00 per half-hour!
The ‘I didn’t mean to shoot him. I tell you it was an accident! Will ya ever forgive me?’
Only $50.00 per half-hour!
The ‘He was the greatest coach ever! And so generous in the shower!’
Only $50.00 per half-hour! (Microphone and podium are extra.)
The ‘She was alone, and in pain… She just wanted to go and join Grand-dad…’
Only $35.00* per half-hour! (*Crowds are additional, billed per person.)
The ‘You promise all doggies go to heaven?’
Only $25.00 per half-hour!* (*Travel time to animal cemetery is extra.)
The ‘Is there really a buffet in the other room?…’
Only $25.00* per half-hour! (Price does not include buffet.)
The ‘Pagliacci’
Only $50.00* per half-hour! (*One song is included. Additional songs are extra.)
The ‘Yes it’s true! I loved him as I loved any woman!’
Only $50.00 per half-hour!
The ‘I guess I’ll never see that hundred fifty bucks again…’
Only $25.00 per half-hour!
The ‘North Korea: No, no! Not Dear Leader! No! No!…BWWAAAAA!!…’
Only $100.00* per half-hour! (*Only one of these special performances is booked per day.)
