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Published on May 6, 2012, by in Uncategorized.



The Fine Report has the exclusive on the letter:


“Dear Sh-thead:


“You vulgar little maggot. You are a canker. A sore that won’t go away. Like herpes! I would rather kiss a slug than be seen with you. You’re a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Even though I have nothing against weasels, and apologize for insulting nice weasels. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.


“You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beast who gave birth to you and then killed herself in recognition of what she had done. Your daddy was a bastard, your mamma was a whore, and you wouldn’t be here if the rubber hadn’t tore. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you.


“You have all the appeal of the boogers you keep pulling from your nose in public. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?


“You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood.


“May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. Just like bread mold. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. Just like hobos, or 10-year-old futons. You are foul and disgusting. You’re a fool, an ignoramus. And I like calling you ignoramus too. Monkeys look down on you. Sheep won’t have sex with you- only trash such as yourself (you did manage to find one). Sorry to the sheep that consider themselves to have higher standards. In fact, I’m pretty sure sheep only have sex with sheep, when given the option.


“You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot. And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?


“You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You call yourself a dancer? You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. Politely speaking, you are a pot hole. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile, one-handed, slack-jawed, drooling, meat-slapper. On a good day you’re a half-wit. You remind me of drool. Well you remind me of stinky diapers.


“You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of a used condom. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.


“You are a fiend and a coward, and you have toe jam. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away forever.


“I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. Rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. So stupid it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Because of you, stupid has gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. This is an epiphany of stupid for me.


“And you DO NOT speak for me. And I will not stand for your use and abuse of my brethren the SEALS. You have never spoken for me, nor will you ever speak for me.”


For Liberty, and may all dogs avoid your kitchen,
(Name withheld)




“I’m feeling a little more positive today about this country, knowing a guy with these kind of balls still exists.

-Former U.S. Senator Blutto Blutarsky

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