‘Colin Bowel’ (there, we said it) not ready to endorse “transformational figure” Obama for re-election

WASHINGTON — Former Secretary of State Colin Powell declined Tuesday to renew the presidential endorsement he gave Barack Obama four years ago, saying he wasn’t ready “to throw my weight behind someone at this time. First, he’s got his wife’s enormous weight to throw around. Second, he’s transformed all right — into an idiot. Wherever I go now it’s, ‘Colin, you’re a real colon!'”


He said he thought Obama had “stabilized the financial system” following the deep recession of 2008-2009 and had “fixed the auto industry.” Powell also said he thought the country was on the right path toward ending the war in Afghanistan. “But  now I realize Obama destroyed the financial system, wrecked the auto industry, and lost the war in Afghanistan.”


Powell said he thought Obama needed to work more on the economy (“he should work, period”) and said he thought that he owed it to the Republican Party to listen to the proposals that likely nominee Romney will be offering, particularly on the economy. “I”m just praying Romney offers something, so that I can save face and not endorse this loser again and potentially get back my reputation. If I endorsed Romney, I bet he’d pick me for vice president.”


White House press secretary Jay Carney said Obama appreciated Powell’s endorsement four years ago. “Nobody else did,” said Powell. “I can’t even get a decent restaurant reservation any more. When I show up and they see it’s me, they give me a table in the back, next to the restrooms.”


Powell said that while he was the first black head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, “the way most people see me after my Obama endorsement, that and a buck-fifty will get me a ride on the bus. And big deal, anyway. When you think about it, there was a first white head of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.  From what I heard, nobody made a big deal about it.”


Last year, Powell told graduates of South Carolina’s premier historically black university that, among other things, he had been particularly heartened by a recent event. “That was when President Obama took out his birth certificate and blew away Donald Trump and all the birthers,” he told students. “But then I looked at the birth certificate and it all went to sh-t. I mean, a soldier couldn’t even requisition a pair of socks with a document looking that ridiculous on its face.”


Powell also supported Obama in getting the U.S. Senate to ratify the New START treaty with Russia, trimming the nuclear stockpiles held by both countries. “I mean, what the hell.  So I sold out America. But with everyone hating me, all I have left is to roll the dice with this lame-brain.”





A general colon bowel:


(‘Ano,’ to his friends.)



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