Michelle Obama, Who Never Gardens or Wrote a Book, Has a New Gardening Book


William Ayers‘ Michelle Obama’s New Vegetable Book, ‘American Green Groan’



“For the first time in my adult life, I’m proud of something on American soil.”


-A basket case and ‘her’ book


“American Groan” will also include tips for starting your own garden. “With Barack destroying the economy, people better learn to grow food if they want to eat,” said Obama. The first lady did not take any advance for the project, and all proceeds will be donated to charity. “I’ll take a multi-million-dollar vacation, instead.”


Obama claims to be an enthusiastic gardener and has already transformed the White House South Lawn into a thriving vegetable patch. “It’s easy, especially with other people doing the work. It’s great to watch through the window. And every time I come back from vacation, the plants get bigger.”


Michelle’s gardening tips are simple. “First, have someone do the digging. Then, have someone do the planting. Then, have someone spread the manure (as good as Barack does when he’s on a podium). Then, have someone pick the stuff that grows. Then, if everything dies, hire a real gardener, to do it right. The trick is never to do the work yourself. I didn’t have Barack hire me 29 servants for nothing.”  When asked how she is expecting to grow vegetables to eat this spring when the growing season in fact over, Obama responded, “Who asked you, @#$%.”


 Obama will also include some of her favorite recipes. “Grease, pizza and ice cream  — put it on everything.”


Though this is her first book Obama said that she wasn’t apprehensive about the prospect. “I don’t know why I’m not really nervous about it. Maybe cause I didn’t write it. If people think it’s a stupid book, I can blame the people who actually wrote it. At least that’s how Barack felt when Ayers wrote his books.”


Since the Obamas’ arrival at the White House, Obama claims the garden has yielded more than 2,000 pounds of fresh fruits and vegetables. Asked how that figure was possible on such a small plot of land, she said, “Okay, some of it got bought at the supermarket. And who asked you anyway, @#$%?”


The first lady was joined by local schoolchildren in the planting session, in a bid to educate them about healthy eating, reminding them, “I eat first. And don’t forget to pick up the book and read it along with your communist teachers, and see at how we’ve indoctrinated incorporated you young people in our ‘garden.’” Asked show she incorporated young people into the garden, Obama responded, “Who asked you, @#$%?”


“Smell that? That’s manure. That’s why servants do any gardening around here, not me.”

 Asked why she began this hobby in the White House, she admitted it helped her compensate for lack of intimate attention she felt from her husband. “I had to do something with my time besides vacation. It was hard enough getting his ‘attention’ before Barack got elected, but now that he’s president, he’s always ‘too tired’ when he comes to bed, if you know what I mean. But he’s been saying that same old thing since I met him. Except twice. Between you and me, I think he’s getting high again. Either that, or there’s something funny going on again with that Reggie he always had around. But who asked you, @#$%?”



Obama shows the bounty from her dream garden:


“Carrots are important. They’re good for your eyesight. I mean, did you ever see a rabbit wearing glasses?”



“I always liked potatoes, but discovered a real love for the red potatoes I’ve been growing.”



“Eggplant is easy to grow, and it tastes good. And I found out there’s no eggs in it, in case you’re watching your cholesterol.”



“And then there’s mushrooms, which grow even if you’re not trying to plant them.”



“And then there’s cactus, which actually tastes pretty good in salad. And I found out they don’t need a lot of water. But you have to be careful of these thorns, otherwise someone on your staff could get hurt.”



“You’re probably saying to yourself, ‘How did she ever find out about eating cactus?’ Well, Barack and I ate some at my favorite motel in the Southwest.”




“There’s a national forest nearby that motel, so I made him camp out with me there. But again, that ‘too tired’ thing.



“The staff also grows squash, which I never realized could interest me as much as it has. One of these days, I’m gong to try eating it.”



“But don’t limit yourself to the usual garden items. Try something exotic, like ginger.”



 “And there’s zucinni, which has always been one of my favorites.”



“But remember, add fruit to your vegetable plate, too.”



“And lastly, don’t limit yourself to growing things in the garden.  As you can see here, you can grow  things on your head.”




“That George Soros better buy truckloads of my book, like he bought Barack’s, Hillary Clinton’s and that Rachael Madcow’s books– or else.”

Relaxing in the White House garden.



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