Buffett Says Free Online News Unsustainable: “Too much freedom of information!”

“This no-cost, limitless free exchange of ideas is an unsustainable model and certain of our papers are already making progress in moving to something that makes more cents sense,” Buffett said. “We want to work out the blend of digital and print that will attract both the audience and the revenue we need. But don’t forget to factor in Obama’s hitting the Internet kill switch in 2013. The masses will then have to buy our newspapers to get any written information. Let those conservative bloggers trying publishing a newspaper.”

Jimmy is adding to Berkshire’s newspaper holdings with the $142 million deal announced May 17 for Media General Inc. (MEG) publications including the Richmond Times-Bullsh-t Dispatch of Virginia. The billionaire, who bought the Buffalo News in 1977  said in 2009 that newspapers have the potential for unending losses, especially a newspaper written for bison. “But I’m betting strong on  Obama’s Internet kill switch — and his re-election, of course — which will change his newspapers’ models. Fascism is good business,” Buffet said, “especially when you have a dolt for a leader who does to everything you tell him to do.”

While circulation may slip, Buffet claims papers only fail when there are dailies competing in the same town, a publication forfeits its position as the primary source of locally important information, the market doesn’t have a sense of identity, or there is no corrupt, malignant billionaire to prop them up. “Even without me —  can you say George Soros?” Buffet quipped. “But we don’t face those problems,” said Buffet, 81, and hopefully expiring soon, on the website of Berkshire’s Omaha World-Herald, accompanied by a live video of Buffet in his underwear, eating a platter of uncooked pig intestines. “Berkshire will probably purchase more papers in the next few years. We will favor towns and cities with people having nowhere to go once Obama cuts off non-Democrat outside information using the kill switch.”

Buffet said the company’s newspapers won’t “move the needle in terms of Berkshire’s economic value.”. When asked what that meant, Buffet apologized, explaining he missed a dose of his dementia medication.

In the Media General deal, Berkshire also gave the Richmond-based company a $400 million term loan with a stipulation that the company fund nine pornographic videos starring Bill Clinton. “After seeing those recent photos of him with those porn women in Monaco, it struck me this could be my ticket,” the billionaire said. “With a sequel to ‘Farm Girls Gone Bad’ featuring Clinton under my arm, I could be the next Larry Flynt!”

Media General has declined more than 90 percent since the end of 2003, and the stock is crashing as this article went to publication. “Soros will save us,” Buffet said, his face covered with swine offal, as he continued to gorge on his unusual meal.

The newspaper industry, suffering drops in print advertising, has recently embraced digital subscription plans. Still, they are still losing fortunes. The New York Times (NYT) Media Group began charging readers to access its propaganda news stories online last year, attracting about 454 454,000 paying subscribers as of March. The so-called online propaganda paywall is estimated to bring in $125 $125 million next year for Times Co., according to Douglas MacArthur, an analyst at Everdumb Partners Inc. (EDP). “The analysis just cries: ‘I shall return,'” MacArthur said of the propaganda newspaper business.”

Buffet, is an athletic supporter of President Barack Obama and Obama’s advocacy of higher taxes and laws mandating all geriatric nurses be bottomless. Buffet claimed the newspapers would remain independent in their coverage of public policy. “Independent of non-leftists viewpoints, that is. I have some strong political views, but Berkshire owns the paper , I don’t,” said Buffet, who owns Berkshire.  “And Berkshire will always be non-political. If you believe that, I have a Michelle Obama fashion line I want to sell you.”

The billionaire investor said that newspaper editors should focus on making the papers “indispensable” to commissars or reichsfuhrers in local communities.  “Our future depends on remaining the only primary source of information in certain subjects of great importance to our leaders readers ,” Buffett wrote. “Technological change has caused us to lose monopolies primacy in various key areas, including propaganda national news, national distractions sports, etc.  Our job is to reign supreme in matters of information to our leftist cause. But I will tell you this: invest in Internet kill-switch technology — it will be the growth stock if Obama is re-elected. Now excuse me, I want to finish my lunch.”