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China Warns North Korea Not To Carry Out Nuclear Test:

Published on April 27, 2012,



American officials shown below, confering in an attempt to determine the meaning of this message.


North Korea Issues Another Unusually Specific Threat:

Published on April 27, 2012,



American officials shown below, confering in an attempt to determine the meaning of this message.




Australia Hipper-Zipper-Dipper-Flipper-Nipper-Slipper Scandal Continues

Published on April 27, 2012,


AUSTRALIAN Federal Police have stepped up their probe into Peter Hipper-Zipper-Dipper-Flipper-Nipper-Slipper: misuse of parliamentary travel entitlements.


“We’re going in. The public should be assured, our probe of Mr. Slipper  will be very thorough and very, very  deep..”


The Fine Report now has a picture of the Slipper.

This, is Australian Speaker of the House on the run, Peter Hipper-Zipper-Dipper-Flipper-Nipper-Slipper:


Hands across the water: the guy is not only as funny-looking as the former U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (booted out of her position in the 2010 election), he seems to have been inspired by her:


Judicial Watch: Pelosi’s military travel – much of it personal, and for her grandchildren – cost the United States Air Force $2,100,744.59 over a two-year period — $101,429.14 of which was for in-flight expenses, including food and alcohol:



Judicial Watch Uncovers Documents Detailing Pelosi’s Repeated Requests for Military Travel:



“Can we please not get sidetracked here? Can we get back to that the new Muslim rule in Egypt that allows men to do the ‘wild thing’ with dead women?  I’m beginning to get worried.”

– Former Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, who has absolutely nothing to worry about regarding any necrophilia-enabling law, let alone the one recently instituted in Egypt.


$101,429.14 — for a drink?”

– U.S. Secretary of Inebriation, Hillary Clinton


And then there is Michelle Obama’s millions and millions of dollars in personal and family travel at taxpayer expense, including a personal jet for the family dog….


– Glamour icon, Michelle Obama


Here are but some of the expenses and adventures of Air Force Ton:

Expensive massages, top shelf vodka and five-star hotels: First Lady accused of spending $10m in public money on her vacations


Michelle Obama  Now Requires 26 Servants

(1 to take her lunch order, and 25 to carry it?)

Time for the White House to rein in Michelle Obama’s out-of-control spending


Michelle’s Separate Travel Costs Taxpayers


 Michelle Obama jets to Aspen for ski vacation



Then, there’s this character:


Obama Under Fire For ‘Blending’ Official Travel And Campaign Trips



(Obama, shown here blending his finger with his nose.)

– Would you lend your pen to this man?


Gotta tell you, Australia: looking at that Slipper on your foot? — He’s not too bad in comparison to the clodhoppers we’re stuck with on ours.




I will not get in a bed without first reading The Fine Report

Published on April 27, 2012,

“No lie. It really busts me up.”


“And was that story below about Egypt for real?  Because I never thought anything could be worse than what happened to me in Saudi Arabia after I got caught stealing – twice.”




Hillary Clinton’s Foreign Policy Progress In Egypt

Published on April 26, 2012,

Another success story from the Secretary of Inebriation, Hillary Clinton.

Why so surpised, Hillary? How thick do you have to be to not know this is what happens when you put radicals in power?


The following are but some of the newly enacted laws in Egypt under its recently installed Islamic government, the existence of which was facilitated by Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton:


1: ‘Farewell intercourse law’ so husbands can have sex with dead wives up to six hours after their death


2: The minimum age of marriage is now lowered to 14


3: Woman no longer have the right to be educated


4: Women no longer have the right to employment





“But I like that first law. Let’s face it, if they’re dead, it lessens the need for those Egyptian women to have to pay for birth control at their own expense.  Plus, there’s no pressure to show anyone a good time.”


– Nancy Pelosi, Member of Congress, United States of America and former Speaker of the House (the U.S. version of Austrailan House Speaker Peter Slipper, though involved in more scandals).



Cameron may work on Chinese film

Published on April 26, 2012,

Warning: Pay to see this film, and one hour later you’ll need to be entertained again.



(Careful China: if give to him generously — like America did — he will turn on you, too:)

 The Telegraph UK: “Avatar: the most expensive piece of anti-American propaganda ever made”



– Film Director James Cameron, doing the ‘white man shuffle’  at unknown nightclub.



Aussie Government Scandal Continues

Published on April 26, 2012,

(In case you missed our previous story, we reported on the Speaker of the Australian House of Representatives being embroiled in a scandal. His name is Peter Slipper. We did not make that up. We did, however, make a  lot of this up:)

Peter Slipper Denies Charges


The Scandal with ‘Mr. Sandal ‘ Continues: 


 A release of Speaker Peter Slipper’s personal records is disputed by leading forensic handwriting expert; Slipper still claims they are authentic (this is true:)



The Fine Report has gotten possession of this information. After obtaining an opinion on it from the best legal scholar who was willing to provide one at the low price we were willing to pay, we are  nonetheless convinced the records are authentic. The following is a summation of the contents:


Despite a career in the rough and tumble world of politics, Mr. Slipper is particularly sensitive to being called a ‘flip-flopper.’ He secretly wears thong underwear. His favorite movies are the 1953 film ‘The Robe,’ as well as the more recent films, ‘Flipper’ and ‘Jack the Ripper.’ His political hero is Ronald Reagan, known as ‘The Gipper.’ He refers to his son as, ‘my little nipper.’ His hobby is astronomy, and he studies the Big Dipper. He used to bite his nails, but now uses a clipper. Oddly, he is not Jewish, but observes Yom Kippur. He is known in restaurants as kind of a bad tipper. He refuses to wear anything using velcro instead of a zipper. But is wife complains he is stogy, and he should dress a little hipper. As a result, Mr. Slipper now dresses hipper when pulls up his zipper, looks at the Dipper, watches Flipper or tucks in the nipper.


“That’s it, baby. Give it to ’em right up the….”




Copyright 2012 The Fine Report




Published on April 26, 2012,

Since going online on Sunday, April 22, 2012 (4 days, for some of you):


–  190,000+ hits


–  63 countries


–  2 planets


“Even sick in bed, I thought it was funny. Insightful commentary, too. Better than anything on TV. And objective, in the sense they make fun of everyone, from all sides of the isle. (Earth isles, that is. Here in the 8th dimension, there are more than two sides to an isle. Believe me, you get a headache watching  all  our Sunday political shows  – it takes all day.)  Do you know, for once there’s even talk around here about not destroying Earth?”



Copyright 2012 The Fine Report



Michelle Obama Lauds Free-Contraception Mandate, ‘ESF:’ “Barack Says You Can “%$@# For Free!”

Published on April 26, 2012,

‘We Made History!

Announcing: the ‘ESF’ Program


Michelle Obama announces Barack Obama’s new program, “Government Moans,” officially known as “Everyone Start %$@#in.”


‘If you loved ‘Student Loans,’ you’ll love ‘Government Moans/ESF,’ where you can  %$@# now, and pay later.


(And, yes — here are special rates for Green %$@#ing)


Paralelling the historical signficance of the end of World Wars I and II, the end of slavery, the discovery of penicillin, the Battle of Waterloo, the Magna Carta, the Collapse of the Soviet government, and if not Alexander’s and Shaka Zulu’s exploit, Michelle Obama states the new U.S. government mandate to force insurance companies to provide $4.00 of free birth control every month has ‘made history.’


So, every month, women now will now get $4.00 worth of birth control for free, as well as sterilization on demand from their private insurers. What many Obama supporters  fail to realize is that their insurance rates will now increase over $50.00 per month to cover the mandate. In other words, women would have saved a small fortune over the years by simply buying birth control pills at Wal-Mart, or through the mail – or any pharmacy, for that matter – instead of through Michelle Obama.




Like most remedies to avoid the consequences of  potentially negative behavior, the best remedy is usually free.  For instance, the most effective  male contraceptive for the sighted,  is known to be this:



*Please Note:  %$@# charges in Columbia still apply.



“Enough already with damn %$@#ing.  When can we start drinking?”


– Google co-founder Larry Page, post previous unsuccessful plastic surgery.


 “Everybody start %$@#ing. Except Zimmerman!”


-Al Sharpton, Secret Service.  Man in gray suit remains unidentified


“Wait a minute — this was my idea! Don’t you remember my program, ‘Operation Head Start?’  And what about ‘No Child’s Left-Behind?’  Come on — give some credit here, where credit is due!”


– Former Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi



“I never go to bed without reading The Fine Report”

Published on April 26, 2012,

“Even in bed….all I can do is dream about it.”


– Google co-founder Larry Page, post botched plastic surgery



Copyright 2012 The Fine Report





Published on April 26, 2012,

News from Australia

Published on April 25, 2012,

Amid scandal, Speaker Peter Slipper’s chances of returning as Speaker of the House of Representatives are minimal as the critical votes he needs to avoid a no-confidence declaration continue to fall away.



Must I say it?  Because if no one else does, I’m going to have to:


Giving the slip, Peter Slipper slipped out of the House, quiet as a mouse, slipping away, into the day. He was last seen dressed in a slipper, carrying a  flipper and remains known throughout Australia as a very bad tipper.



North Korea Issues Unusually Specific Threat

Published on April 25, 2012,

“We will reduce South Korea to ashes in less than four minutes! Three, if there’s no traffic and everyone gets to the base on time.”



North Korean Troops, Posing For Marching Photo:

The government photographer barks orders:


“Now everyone: hold your legs up until I tell you to put them down and not a moment before!


 “Hey you, all the way on the left! — Yeah, you, dummy! –you’re not looking toward the camera!


 “And you, dumbbell next to him! – you’re looking right at the camera! — And who the hell told you to wear white socks today!?


 “And all of you, loosen up on the string pulling back your pants leg: you look like you’re flying, not marching! Keep those legs up!


 “Now everyone, get those legs, higher – higher! C’mon, act like you’re walking! Keep those toes pointed!   — ‘Ring’  —  Wait a minute you guys,  I gotta take this.  Hello? Yeah… Yeah… Yeah…  Uh-huh… Uh-huh… No,, it puzzles me too why DiCaprio let that babe out of his hands… To be honest, I didn’t even know they broke up… How long ago? Wow, I didn’t know that…  No, I’ve been busy… Look, let’s talk about it more tomorrow, I got all these guys standing here with their leg out…. Lunch? Sure. How’s one o’clock. Okay, see you then.  — ‘click’


“Okay, hold it! Good!.. Hold it!… Hold it!    ‘snap.’


“Okay, nobody move. We’re gonna do one more shot!”



Copyright 2012 The Fine Report



Has Google/Youtube sabotaged international closed captioning on viral “If I Wanted America to Fail” video?

Published on April 25, 2012,



“YouTube has purposely screwed up the “Closed Caption” text on this video. That way all those who don’t speak English around the world, won’t understand this video at all! It’s insidious what YouTube (owned by Google) is doing to America!”


The video,  “If I wanted America to fail”






“Google this: Misery loves company. If I have to wake up every morning for the rest of my life to see my mug in the mirror,  I will see to it the rest of the world suffers alongside me.”


Ayumi Morita win gives Japan berth in Tennis’ Fed Cup World Group

Published on April 25, 2012,

It will be the first time since 2007 that Japan will be in the elite eight-team World Group.


Ayumi Morit:

(pretty cute, huh?)





2nd Worst President in U.S. History: “I’d be comfortable with a Mitt Romney presidency.”

Published on April 25, 2012,

Says Former U.S. President Jimmy Carter:

“I would be “comfortable with a Mitt Romney presidency.

What country is he dictator of now?”




“You can call me ‘Numero Uno.'”



NY Times: Saudi Officials Admit Inbreeding is a Huge Problem Among Muslims

Published on April 25, 2012,

A story from the liars at the New York Times. Is it true?

(Could this be why most Saudis choose Friday night for most family gatherings?)



Saudi Arabia Awakes to the Perils of Inbreeding


Across the Arab world today an average of 45 percent of married couples are related, according to Dr. Nadia Sakati, a pediatrician and senior consultant for the genetics research center at King Faisal Specialist Hospital in Riyadh.

In some parts of Saudi Arabia, particularly in the south, where Mrs. Hefthi was raised, the rate of marriage among blood relatives ranges from 55 to 70 percent, among the highest rates in the world, according to the Saudi government.

Widespread inbreeding in Saudi Arabia has produced several genetic disorders, Saudi public health officials said, including the blood diseases of thalassemia, a potentially fatal hemoglobin deficiency, and sickle cell anemia. Spinal muscular atrophy and diabetes are also common, especially in the regions with the longest traditions of marriage between relatives. Dr. Sakati said she had also found links between inbreeding and deafness and muteness.

Saudi health authorities, well aware of the enormous social and economic costs of marriage between family members, have quietly debated what to do for decades, since before Mrs. Hefthi was married 23 years ago. Now, for the first time, the government, after starting a nationwide educational campaign to inform related couples who intend to marry of the risk of genetic disease, is planning to require mandatory blood tests before marriage and premarital counseling.

Health officials and genetic researchers here say there is no way to stop inbreeding in this deeply conservative Muslim society, where marrying within the family is a tradition that goes back hundreds of years.

Today, when most unions are still arranged by parents, marrying into wealth and influence often means marrying a relative. Social lives are so restricted that it is virtually impossible for men and women to meet one another outside the umbrella of an extended family. Courtships without parental supervision are rare.

Among more educated Saudis, marrying relatives has become less common and younger generations have begun to pull away from the practice. But for the vast majority, the tradition is still deeply embedded in Saudi culture.

Statistics on the prevalence of genetically based diseases and the extent to which they are a direct result of marriage between close relatives — second cousins or closer — are scarce or unreliable because many Saudi parents raise their disabled children in obscurity, ashamed to seek services.

That has begun to change as more programs intended to educate disabled children open in Saudi Arabia, where there were almost none until a decade ago. Genetic research is emerging here and several projects have recently begun in an effort to document the connection between inbreeding and disease and to quantify the prevalence of the diseases.

In the case of spinal muscular atrophy, if both parents are carriers of the gene, the couple has a 25 percent chance of having a child with the disease — or one in four children. The percentage regrettably turned out to be much higher for Mrs. Hefthi and her husband, with four out of their seven children afflicted.





But remember the dangers still inherent in outbreeding (or the act thereof):


Image courtesy of Peoplescube.com


“People have to breed first in order to find out if they’re inbreeding. How else could they tell?”

-Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (D, CA), and the U.S. Speaker of the House at the time the Obamacare  law was passed.



More Illegal Immigrants Now Leaving U.S. Than Entering

Published on April 25, 2012,
In a potentially historic shift, more illegal immigrants and  now leaving the U.S. than entering. Factors contributing to the trend include the greatest decline in jobs on the U.S. side of the border since the Great Recession of the 1930s.


 An illegal immigrant, spotted at the border fence, waves goodbye to America:  “This place has become a  hell-hole since 2008, all 57 states.  Get out while you can, before the riots.'” All he took with him from his former adopted country were the clothes on his back, a number to a Swiss bank account, and a pocketful of dog treats.



The man ceremonially placed a writing on the U.S. side of the border jus before disappearing over the fence.





Hello to Our International Community of Friends

Published on April 25, 2012,

Looking at our stats, we see the many people visiting us from outside the United States, including a hooker from Columbia who says one of us here owes her $30.00 (don’t worry baby, the check is in the mail).


So hello to all of you — and welcome!


Coming Attractions!

Published on April 25, 2012,


Do The White Thing: The Exclusive FineReport Interview with Spike Lee!


Stay tuned….


Alternate-Reality-Speak: the Use of the “Big Lie”

Published on April 25, 2012,


Debbie Whatshername Schultz: ‘Very likely’ GOP to lose House; blames Tea Party



The Professor Speaks:

“Whatshername Schultz is using a technique known as ‘the big lie,’ a propaganda technique created by Adolph Hitler, when he wrote his book Mein Kampf. Hitler mused about the use of a lie so “colossal” that no one would believe that someone “could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.”  This technique works quite well among ignorant people, stupid people, and, people who are willfully ignorant, including people who are indoctrinated, willingly or otherwise. But the technique is known to backfire, subjecting the liar to public ridicule and scorn, and ultimately damaging the very cause the liar is advocating for.


“So there you have it:  the head of the Democrat party in the United States, likely at the direction of your president, Barack Obama, using the propaganda techniques of one of this century’s most prolific mass-murders in his rise to dictatorial power.  Pretty scary stuff, huh? But scarier if the news media lets her get away with the lie, which they seem not only bent on doing, but actually participating in it. So it is up to you, fellow citizens: fight for your freedom, or don’t complain when you lose it. In fact, if you do complain when you lose it, you will likely wind up in a concentration camp, or dead — or both.”



“I’m still looking for that purple sticky-note I misplaced, so if anyone finds it, please let me know.  Until next time, everybody.”



Copyright 2012 The Fine Report



April 24th: This Day In Shopping History

Published on April 25, 2012,

Illinois Man Became First Costco Shopper in History to Leave One of Its Stores Without Spending Over $100.00:

On April 24th, 2009, Peter J. Franklin exited a Costco store, spending only $98.43, the first customer in the store’s history to break the $100.00 barrier.


Asked how he did it, Franklin said, “I was just driving by, and remembered I needed ketchup, so I  stopped in. I bought a twelve-gallon two-pack, but couldn’t resist buying seventy-five dollars worth of toothbrushes because there was an instant two-dollar rebate. Funny how a little thing like a rebate can allow you to make history.  Most of the toothbrushes are still in my car, because I can’t find a place in my apartment for them. All my cabinet space is taken up by the ketchup.”



Copyright 2012 The Fine Report





Published on April 25, 2012,

He hasn’t gotten it right yet. Though he is getting close:

– Paul Newman, giving the ‘con man salute’ in the 1973 film, The Sting”





Anonymous Saturday Night Live producer: “I keep telling you this, but there is simply nothing about this man to laugh at. I submit he is the first ‘comedy-proof president.'”



Copyright 2012 The Fine Report



CREEPING CRETINISM: Obama’s NASA Administrator: “foremost” mission is to improve relations with the Muslim world

Published on April 25, 2012,
Space: the final frontier. These are the NASA voyages of the starship Obama. Its four-year mission: to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldenly go where no man has gone before — and improve relations with Muslims.


United States National Aeronautics and Space Administrator Charles ‘Boldenly’ Bolden said in a recent interview that his “foremost” mission as the head of America’s space exploration agency is to improve relations with the Muslim world. He said his “five” and “sixmost” NASA missions are to investigate the Zimmerman case.

– NASA Administrator,  Charles ‘Boldenly’ Bolden, Cretin First Class

“The problem has been, we just can’t find any Muslims in space. We’ve been looking everywhere. We looked on the Moon, we looked on Venus, we looked on Jupiter, but nothing. We even looked on Pluto, and thought we spotted an Israeli settlement  up there, but it turned out to be something else. Maybe some Muslims are hiding under the ice on on one of them moons around Saturn, you never know. If Barack says to keep looking, we’ll keep looking. He’s the boss.”





Published on April 24, 2012,

Not all is bad at the TSA. Despite discovering 743 transvestites, 19,249 enlarged prostates, 209,351 breast implants (how can that be an odd number?), 27,298 colon problems, 3 natural blonds — yet no terrorists — it is assuring to know at least some traveling celebs are finding good things to say about their experience at the hands, literally, of the TSA. But not others.


 “I got a security ‘patdown’ by a woman at the airport that left no doubt about her sexual preferences. It’s great to see people so publicly confident in their sexuality. I later found her number in my panties.”
– Supermodel Bar Refaeli



“I was making the best out of an uncomfortable situation by making faces and acting like I was having a great time. But I was not. Perhaps if they used some kind of lubricant, I would have had at least a ‘good’ time. And they told me that ‘if I don’t wipe that grin off my face,’ next time they’ll ‘take me aside,’ whatever that means.”
-Actress Jennifer Hudson



DHS Chief Janet Napolitano, somewhat sensitive to recent criticism of TSA digital manipulation (‘we live in a digital age, get over it’), is shown field-testing a new groin and cavity search device. Asked what it was called, she said, ‘we call it a Take-aside.’


-Napolitano, shown with the ‘Take-aside



“This whole TSA group is bullshit! These are the kind of people  that would  %$@# a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around.  Though that ‘Take-aside’ has possiblities”




‘I begged that same woman who searched Bar Refaeli to search me. But all of a sudden she put on a hazmat suit and big rubber gloves and a respirator. So I refused to get on the plane, and flew in the wheel-well instead.’
 -Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi




Obama Tweets

Published on April 24, 2012,
Just realized the United Kingdom and Great Britain may be the same place.  This could save significant travel time.



Published on April 24, 2012,

Our email is:



Attention Spike Lee: Our  address remains 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. NW, Washington DC.


Att: US Secret Service: If there is any Ted Nugent-like issues regarding this post, please be advised we met with the following agent, below — very closely, in fact (that’s me wearing the silver suit), and we cleared the air:




Live since Sunday, and 45,000 visits (we finally ran out of silverware)

Published on April 24, 2012,

TheFineReport.com has been live since Sunday night (April 24, 2012), and has received 45,000 visits so far, from all over the world, and even one from Venus (we were told the weather is not good).

With you reading this, that makes 45,001.

Thank you for visiting, and please return. Any comments or suggestions, please contact us at editor@thefinereport.com. thefinereport@gmail.com.

If you are Barack Obama, please contact us at sales@CaviarCanine.com.

If you are visitor number 45,002, congratulations: there is no one else like you in the world, nor will there ever be.

If you are Spike Lee, our address is 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW, Washington DC and we enjoy rotten tomatoes being thrown at us when we come and go.  Our phone number is 202-456-1414, and we appreciate calls very late at night, and very early in the morning. And we’d appreciate if you would write this information on the walls of every public toilet you ever happen to find yourself in.

If you are visitor number 45,003, you ought to get together with visitors 45,001 and 45,002 and start a club of some kind. Remember, there is no one else like you in the world. As Jesse Jackson might say (besides “My son did not conspire with Blago to steal!”), “You are 45,002! You are 45,003!”



Chutzpah: Killing your parents, then complaining you’re an orphan

Published on April 24, 2012,

NY Times reporters panic about losing financial benefits after willfully destroying the paper’s only value: it’s reputation



 A recent example:



New York Times Softball League

Published on April 23, 2012,

“Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.”

– Benjamin Franklin


With the proverbial horse out of the barn:


The Sunday Review

 “A Hard Look at the President”

“The warm afterglow of Mr. Obama’s election, the collateral effects of liberal-minded feature writers — these can be overcome by hard-nosed, unbiased political reporting now.”





The tragedy is that the damage to the reputation of what was once American’s ‘newspaper of record,’ is permanent.


But the damage to our nation because of the New York Times’ admittedly negligent and false reporting is a far greater tragedy, and one that has yet to fully manifest.


“Catch, ‘Barack,’ whoever you are!  Here comes another question from The New York Times!”



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